Once In A Blue Moon


Human relationships are complex and multifaceted, encompassing a wide range of behaviors and emotions. While most people seek connections that uplift and support them, some individuals possess a darker inclination. Narcissists, in particular, have a unique talent for building you up, only to tear you down in the most manipulative and self-serving ways. This article delves into the psychology behind this behavior, shedding light on the tactics employed by narcissists and the impact it can have on their victims.

The Narcissistic Personality

To understand the phenomenon of building someone up only to tear them down, one must first grasp the fundamentals of narcissism. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a psychological condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a profound need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists often present themselves as charming, charismatic, and seemingly interested in the well-being of those around them. However, beneath this facade lies a deep-seated need for control, power, and constant validation.

The Initial Phase: Building You Up

Narcissists excel in the art of manipulation and emotional exploitation. They often begin by showering their target with praise, flattery, and compliments. During this initial phase, they may seem like the most supportive and understanding individuals one could ever encounter. They employ tactics such as love bombing, where they inundate their victim with affection and attention, making them feel valued, special, and even indispensable. This phase serves a crucial purpose for the narcissist: it draws the victim into their web of manipulation, creating a deep emotional bond that makes it harder for the victim to see the impending danger.

The Devaluation Phase: Tearing You Down

Once the narcissist has secured their victim’s trust and dependency, the dynamic begins to shift. The same person who once lavished compliments and affection on you now appears distant, critical, and cold. This is the devaluation phase, where the narcissist slowly but steadily undermines their target’s self-esteem and confidence. They employ a range of tactics during this phase, including:

  1. Gaslighting: Narcissists manipulate their victim’s perception of reality by denying their own previous behavior, making their target doubt their own memory, feelings, and sanity.
  2. Silent Treatment: They use silence as a weapon, withholding affection, communication, and emotional support to create anxiety and dependence.
  3. Criticism: They become hypercritical, pointing out flaws, mistakes, or weaknesses in their victim’s character or actions, eroding their self-esteem.
  4. Triangulation: Narcissists introduce a third party into the relationship, often an ex-partner or a new romantic interest, to create jealousy and insecurity in their victim.
  5. Projection: They project their own negative qualities onto their victim, making them feel responsible for the problems in the relationship.

The Impact on Victims

The consequences of being built up and torn down by a narcissist can be devastating. Victims often experience a range of emotional and psychological effects, including:

  1. Low Self-Esteem: The constant criticism and devaluation can lead to a severe drop in self-esteem, making the victim doubt their worth and capabilities.
  2. Anxiety and Depression: The emotional rollercoaster of a narcissistic relationship can contribute to anxiety and depression, as victims struggle to make sense of the conflicting emotions and behaviors.
  3. Isolation: Narcissists often isolate their victims from friends and family, leaving them feeling alone and dependent on the narcissist for validation and support.
  4. Insecurity: Victims may develop deep-seated feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, which can persist long after the relationship ends.


Building someone up just to tear them down is a manipulative and destructive behavior often exhibited by narcissists. Understanding the tactics and psychology behind this pattern can help individuals recognize and protect themselves from such toxic relationships. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist is crucial for victims trying to heal from the emotional scars left by a narcissistic relationship. It’s important to remember that no one deserves to be torn down by someone who claims to care, and there is hope for recovery and rebuilding one’s self-esteem after the ordeal.

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