Once In A Blue Moon


Attachment theory, a psychological framework developed by John Bowlby in the mid-20th century, has significantly enhanced our understanding of human relationships. It proposes that the bonds we form with our primary caregivers during infancy profoundly influence our emotional development and the way we connect with others throughout our lives. It may not surprise you to learn that babies grow into adults who develop versions of these secure, anxious, and avoidant attachments that can be readily identified in their relationships. Of course, adult relationships involve a lot more complexity, but it almost always boils down to this: When we get close to someone and come to depend on them, in stressful moments we show our true attachment style.

The Foundation of Attachment Styles

Attachment theory suggests that the quality of care and responsiveness a child receives from their primary caregiver (usually a parent) plays a pivotal role in shaping their attachment style. There are three primary attachment styles:

  1. Secure Attachment: Children with secure attachments tend to have caregivers who are consistently responsive to their needs. These children learn that they can rely on their caregivers for comfort and support, which helps them develop trust and self-esteem. In adulthood, securely attached individuals often have fulfilling, healthy relationships characterized by trust, effective communication, and emotional intimacy.
  2. Anxious Attachment: Children with anxious attachments often have caregivers who are inconsistently responsive. They may experience moments of love and care, followed by periods of neglect or unavailability. These children grow up with heightened attachment anxiety, fearing abandonment and often becoming overly dependent on their partners. As adults, they may be prone to jealousy, clinginess, and heightened emotional reactions in their relationships.
  3. Avoidant Attachment: Children with avoidant attachments typically have caregivers who are emotionally distant or dismissive of their needs. They learn to self-soothe and become self-reliant, often suppressing their emotions. In adult relationships, they may struggle with intimacy, find it challenging to express their feelings, and may prioritize independence over emotional connection.

Attachment Styles in Adulthood

While attachment styles are primarily formed during childhood, they continue to influence our adult relationships. Here’s how these styles manifest in grown-up partnerships:

  1. Secure Attachment in Adulthood: Adults with secure attachment styles tend to have healthy, balanced relationships. They are comfortable with intimacy, express their emotions openly, and trust their partners. They can handle conflict constructively and maintain a sense of independence within the relationship.
  2. Anxious Attachment in Adulthood: Adults with anxious attachment styles often experience a rollercoaster of emotions in their relationships. They may become overly preoccupied with their partner’s availability, constantly seeking reassurance, and fearing rejection. This can lead to communication issues and a cycle of neediness and withdrawal.
  3. Avoidant Attachment in Adulthood: Adults with avoidant attachment styles may struggle with emotional closeness. They may be uncomfortable with vulnerability and find it challenging to open up to their partners. This can create a sense of emotional distance and frustration in the relationship.

Impact on Relationships

It’s important to note that attachment styles are not set in stone, and individuals can develop more secure attachments through self-awareness and personal growth. Additionally, individuals with different attachment styles can form successful relationships, but they may require patience and understanding from both partners.

In stressful situations, our attachment styles often become more apparent. For instance, during an argument or a period of separation, individuals with anxious attachment styles may become more clingy or anxious, while those with avoidant styles may withdraw emotionally. Secure individuals, on the other hand, tend to remain composed and seek resolution.


Attachment theory provides valuable insights into the dynamics of adult relationships. Understanding your own attachment style and that of your partner can be a crucial step towards building healthier, more fulfilling connections. While our childhood experiences shape our attachment styles, it’s never too late to work on becoming more secure, developing better communication skills, and fostering emotional intimacy in our adult relationships. Ultimately, recognizing and addressing attachment patterns can lead to more satisfying and harmonious partnerships.

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