Introduction:

In the complex dance of human relationships, communication is key. Often, when faced with frustrating situations or recurring issues, we may find ourselves using phrases like “Why can’t you just…” in an attempt to convey our frustrations and desires. While this approach may be born out of genuine concern or exasperation, it tends to offer blame, shame, and criticism, creating a barrier to meaningful dialogue. In this article, we explore the transformative power of shifting from blame to understanding by using the question, “What keeps you from…?”

The Pitfalls of Blame:

When we employ phrases like “Why can’t you just…” we are essentially pointing fingers and placing blame. This approach implies that there is something inherently wrong with the other person and that they are failing to meet our expectations. While it is entirely natural to feel frustrated when faced with unaddressed issues, blame and criticism rarely lead to productive conversations or resolutions.

The Constraint Question: “What Keeps You From…?”

A more constructive alternative to blame is the use of what therapists refer to as the constraint question. Instead of accusing someone of being in the wrong, this approach invites curiosity and creates space for understanding. Asking, “What keeps you from…” shifts the focus from a person’s perceived flaws to the underlying factors that may be influencing their behavior or choices.

Exploring the Blockages:

“What keeps you from…” is a powerful opener because it encourages introspection and self-reflection. It allows individuals to consider the barriers, fears, or unresolved issues that might be preventing them from taking certain actions or addressing specific concerns. This question acknowledges that there is often a deeper story or context at play.

Creating Space for Connection:

By shifting the conversation from blame to understanding, we create an opportunity for empathy and connection. Instead of pushing the other person away with criticism, we invite them to share their experiences, challenges, and perspectives. This shift in tone fosters a more open and productive dialogue.

Applying It to Ourselves:

The power of the constraint question extends beyond our interactions with others. It can also be a valuable tool for self-reflection and personal growth. When we find ourselves stuck or struggling with certain behaviors or decisions, asking, “What keeps me from…” can help us uncover our own blockages and gain insight into our motivations.

Conclusion:

Communication is at the heart of every relationship, and how we choose to communicate can have a profound impact on the outcomes of our interactions. Shifting from blame to understanding by using the constraint question, “What keeps you from…?” creates space for empathy, connection, and meaningful dialogue.

Rather than focusing on what’s wrong with someone, this approach encourages us to explore the underlying factors that influence their actions and decisions. It promotes a sense of shared humanity and the recognition that we all have our own stories and challenges. So, the next time you find yourself frustrated or at odds with someone, consider asking, “What keeps you from…?” and watch as understanding and connection begin to flourish.