Relationships, whether friendships, family ties, or romantic connections, are complex and multi-layered. Sometimes, we find ourselves drawn to a certain “version” of someone—a specific side, mood, or behavior that resonates with us deeply. But just as people have many facets, there may be other “configurations” or ways they show up that we struggle to connect with or even find challenging to be around. This experience can be confusing and may make us wonder if our feelings are genuine or if we’re being fair to the person. Here’s a closer look at what it means to admire one side of someone but struggle with others, and how to navigate this nuanced emotional experience.

Understanding the Many “Configurations” of a Person

Humans are complex and multifaceted, with different moods, behaviors, and “configurations” that emerge depending on the context. People shift their behaviors based on situations, environments, relationships, and even inner states. You might see a friend who’s playful and free-spirited with you but becomes overly serious or defensive around family. Or perhaps you admire a partner’s kindness and intelligence but find their competitiveness or tendency to withdraw during conflicts difficult to handle.

Why This Happens

Our personalities are dynamic, shaped by external influences, personal history, and even subconscious factors. Over time, we develop many “versions” of ourselves to cope with different situations, express different parts of our identity, or fit into specific social roles. When we’re drawn to a particular side of someone, it’s often because that version aligns with our values, needs, or the kind of connection we’re seeking.

Example: You may adore your friend’s creativity and openness during your art nights together, but find it hard to connect with their rigid side when they’re in work mode, where they become overly competitive or dismissive.

The Challenge of Liking “One Version” of Someone

When we’re drawn to one configuration of a person but struggle with others, it can create a tension that’s difficult to navigate. We may feel like we’re holding two conflicting truths about them: admiration and frustration. Here are some reasons why this can be challenging:

1. Expectations and Disappointment

When we’ve experienced a positive, enjoyable side of someone, it can be hard to reconcile that with a version of them that feels less compatible. The expectation that they’ll consistently show up in the way we admire can lead to disappointment or even resentment when they reveal other sides of themselves.

Example: You may admire a friend’s compassion and generosity but feel let down when they become critical or distant in certain situations. The contrast between the “best” version of them and the version that frustrates you can create emotional friction.

2. Ambiguity and Uncertainty

When someone shows up differently depending on the situation, it can be confusing. You may find yourself wondering which version of them is “real” or if your admiration is based on an incomplete picture. This ambiguity can make it difficult to trust your own feelings and question whether you can sustain a genuine connection with all aspects of the person.

Example: If your partner is warm and attentive in private but distant or dismissive in social situations, you might feel uncertain about which “side” of them truly reflects who they are, making it challenging to know where your feelings stand.

3. Internal Conflict and Self-Doubt

Liking only certain aspects of someone can bring up questions about fairness. You might worry that you’re not accepting them as a whole or feel guilty for wishing they would act differently in some situations. This internal conflict can create self-doubt and make it difficult to understand your own boundaries and expectations.

Example: If you love a family member’s sense of humor but find their negative outlook draining, you might feel torn between enjoying their company and wanting to avoid the conversations that bring out a side of them you struggle with.

How to Navigate Mixed Feelings

It’s natural to be drawn to certain sides of people while finding other aspects challenging. Navigating these mixed feelings involves self-awareness, compassion, and realistic boundaries. Here are some strategies to help you manage these complex emotions:

1. Acknowledge Your Preferences Without Judgment

Recognizing that you feel closer to a specific version of someone doesn’t mean you’re rejecting them as a whole. It’s okay to have preferences for certain traits or behaviors, as long as you’re mindful not to impose unrealistic expectations or try to change them.

Example: You might tell yourself, “I really connect with my friend when they’re relaxed and open, but I find it harder to connect when they’re intense or competitive. That’s okay; it’s just part of knowing them.”

2. Practice Empathy and Curiosity

Try to understand what triggers different sides of the person. By approaching them with empathy and curiosity, you can gain insight into why they show up differently in certain situations. Understanding the “why” behind their behaviors can help you feel more accepting and less critical.

Example: If your partner withdraws during conflicts, consider asking them gently about it. Perhaps they grew up in a household where conflict was intense, and withdrawing is a learned coping mechanism. This insight might help you feel less frustrated and more supportive.

3. Set Boundaries that Protect Your Well-Being

Accepting someone doesn’t mean you have to tolerate behaviors that drain you. Setting boundaries can help you enjoy the configurations of the person you admire without overexposing yourself to aspects that you find challenging.

Example: If you enjoy spending time with a friend in social settings but find their tendency to become negative during personal conversations difficult, set limits on one-on-one time without feeling guilty about it.

4. Appreciate the Whole Person, Even if You Don’t Love Every Part

No one is perfect, and everyone has different sides that may not align with our preferences. Accepting someone as a whole doesn’t mean you have to be enthusiastic about every part of them. Appreciating them holistically allows you to value their complexity without needing to feel close to every facet.

Example: You might appreciate your sibling’s intellect and ambition but feel uncomfortable with their critical side. Accepting them as a whole person allows you to cherish the qualities you admire while understanding that you don’t have to fully engage with the traits that don’t resonate with you.

5. Be Honest with Yourself About Compatibility

In some cases, you may realize that you’re drawn to a side of someone that aligns well with you, but the other aspects of their personality are fundamentally incompatible with your values or needs. In these cases, it’s okay to evaluate whether the relationship is sustainable in the long run.

Example: If a romantic partner has sides of them that feel misaligned with your values—such as being kind one-on-one but inconsiderate in social settings—it’s okay to reflect on whether the relationship meets your needs fully.

The Beauty of Accepting People’s Many Sides

Liking someone “but not like this” is a natural part of human relationships. People are multi-dimensional, and each of us has sides that may be easier or harder for others to connect with. By embracing these complexities, we learn that relationships don’t have to be “all or nothing.” Here’s how appreciating these different configurations can actually enrich our lives:

1. Celebrating Uniqueness

Each person’s different configurations add richness to who they are. Appreciating their different sides can help you see the person as a whole, complex being, rather than just a sum of the traits you admire.

2. Personal Growth and Self-Reflection

Navigating mixed feelings toward someone teaches us about our own values, needs, and boundaries. This self-reflection can lead to personal growth, helping us become more aware of what we seek in relationships and what we can accept or compromise on.

3. Practicing Acceptance and Flexibility

Learning to appreciate or at least accept different sides of people cultivates tolerance, patience, and flexibility. This mindset can enhance all our relationships, making us more open-minded and compassionate toward others’ complexities.

4. Encouraging Healthy Boundaries

Recognizing that we don’t have to love every side of someone to value their presence in our lives helps us set boundaries. It allows us to maintain fulfilling relationships that honor both our needs and the other person’s individuality.

Final Thoughts: Embracing People’s Many Configurations

“It’s not about rejecting the parts you don’t like but appreciating the parts you do” could be a guiding philosophy in relationships. While you may connect more with certain versions of a person, each configuration is part of what makes them unique. By embracing the idea that people show up in many ways, we can navigate relationships with empathy, curiosity, and balance.

Liking someone “but not like this” is a reminder that relationships don’t have to fit perfectly into one mold. Instead, they can be dynamic, layered, and nuanced, allowing us to appreciate the beauty of connection, even when it’s not always easy.