Are you tired of feeling happy and fulfilled all the time? Do you crave the soul-crushing weight of depression to add some excitement to your life? Look no further! In this satirical guide, we’ll explore some hilariously terrible ways to embrace despair and undermine your mental and physical well-being. Warning: This article is not meant to be taken seriously and should be approached with a hefty dose of sarcasm.

1. Avoid Sunlight Like the Plague: Who needs vitamin D anyway? Bask in the gloom of your darkened room all day long. Draw the curtains, shut out the sunshine, and revel in the darkness. Bonus points for shunning any form of outdoor activity or fresh air.
2. Indulge in a Junk Food Bonanza: Say goodbye to fruits, vegetables, and anything remotely nutritious. Stock up on chips, soda, and processed snacks galore. Remember, the more sugar and grease, the better! Your arteries might be screaming, but your inner nihilist will be cheering.
3. Sleep is for the Weak: Who needs a consistent sleep schedule when you can stay up until the wee hours of the morning binge-watching Netflix and scrolling through social media? Sacrifice your precious sleep for the sake of mindless entertainment and existential dread.
4. Isolate Yourself Like a Pro: Cut off all contact with friends and family. Ignore phone calls, texts, and carrier pigeons attempting to reach out to you. Embrace the solitude of your echo-chamber existence, where the only voice you hear is the constant nagging of your inner demons.
5. Dwell on the Past: Remember that embarrassing thing you said five years ago? Replay it in your mind on an endless loop. Ruminate on past mistakes, missed opportunities, and the futility of existence. Bonus points for wallowing in self-pity and blaming everyone else for your misery.
6. Avoid Seeking Professional Help: Who needs therapy or medication when you can self-diagnose using Dr. Google? Ignore the advice of trained professionals and rely on dubious internet forums and quack remedies instead. After all, nothing says “I’m thriving” like untreated mental illness.
7. Let Your Hygiene Slide: Showering? Brushing your teeth? Who has the time or energy for such frivolous activities? Embrace the funk of unwashed hair and body odor. Your personal hygiene may suffer, but your commitment to despair will be unwavering.
8. Give Up on Personal Goals: Remember those dreams and aspirations you once had? Kiss them goodbye! Set unrealistic expectations for yourself, then promptly abandon them at the first sign of difficulty. Procrastination and self-sabotage are your new best friends.

In conclusion, if you’re looking to plunge headfirst into the murky depths of depression, follow these delightfully dreadful tips with reckless abandon. Just remember, this guide is a parody, and the real key to happiness lies in self-care, seeking professional help when needed, and surrounding yourself with supportive relationships. Stay healthy, stay happy, and above all, stay far, far away from the advice in this article.