Healthy love is built by people who sit down together and say, “Let’s fix this,” not by those who hide, stonewall, or punish with silence. Repair is the core skill that keeps connection strong when conflict shows up.
Why repair matters
- It restores safety after friction.
- It prevents small issues from hardening into resentment.
- It teaches both people that problems are shared and solvable.
What repair looks like
- Staying present long enough to understand each other.
- Owning your part without excuses.
- Speaking calmly and specifically about needs.
- Agreeing on one small next step and a time to review.
What avoidance looks like
- Ignoring calls and texts to “teach a lesson.”
- Changing the subject or leaving mid conversation.
- Minimizing feelings with jokes or sarcasm.
- Blaming the other person for your choice to disengage.
Green flags to seek
- “I hear you. Can we sit and work through this.”
- Consistent follow through after an apology.
- Curiosity about your experience.
- Willingness to schedule a talk rather than delay forever.
Red flags to avoid
- Silent treatment and disappearing acts.
- Only apologizing to end the discussion.
- Labeling your needs as drama.
- Rewarding you with attention only when you stop raising concerns.
Simple repair scripts
- “I care about us. I want to fix this together. Here is my part and what I will do next.”
- “I am heated. Can we pause for 20 minutes and then talk so I can listen well.”
- “What does a good resolution look like to you. Let’s choose one step we can do today.”
Boundaries that protect you
- “I will not engage with silent treatment. If communication stops, I will step back until we can talk respectfully.”
- “If we cannot discuss problems, I will reevaluate the relationship.”
- “I welcome repair. I will not accept insults, threats, or games.”
A short plan for both partners
- Name the problem in one sentence.
- Each person states their part and one need.
- Choose a single action you will each take.
- Set a check-in time to see what improved.
Choose someone who leans in when things get tough. Partnership grows when two people pick the chair, face the issue, and fix it together.
