If you’ve ever tried to explain your actions, only to be interrupted with, “I don’t want your excuses,” you might feel baffled and frustrated. What exactly did they mean by “excuse”? Weren’t you just explaining your thought process as they asked? Understanding why people sometimes react this way—and what they mean by “reason” versus “excuse”—can be genuinely challenging, especially if you’re someone who values logic and clear communication.
The Difference Between Reasons and Excuses, Neurotypically Speaking
While it might seem straightforward, neurotypical people often perceive the terms “reason” and “excuse” differently based on tone, intent, and timing. Here’s a breakdown of how these two terms differ in common neurotypical thinking:
- Reason
A reason is viewed as a straightforward explanation for why something was done in a particular way. Neurotypical people often see a reason as something factual, impartial, and honest. A reason is a neutral statement meant to provide insight without trying to shift responsibility or reduce the significance of what happened. Example: If asked why a report took longer to finish, you might say,
“I needed to fact-check multiple sources, which took longer than expected.” Here, the response gives a factual answer about the process, showing understanding of the cause without trying to avoid accountability. - Excuse
An excuse, on the other hand, is often seen by neurotypical people as an attempt to avoid responsibility or deflect blame. They perceive excuses as explanations that prioritize justification over accountability. Neurotypically, an excuse might feel like you’re trying to minimize the issue, avoid facing the consequences, or make it someone else’s problem. Example: In the same situation with the report, an excuse might be:
“Well, the data team didn’t get their information to me on time, so that’s why it was late.” While there’s truth in both responses, neurotypical people may interpret this second example as an attempt to deflect responsibility onto someone else.
Why Neurotypical People Might React Negatively
When you’re asked “Why did you do it this way?” and you begin explaining your process, it seems logical to assume that they want to understand your perspective. However, here’s where things get confusing: neurotypical people can sometimes ask why but only want a short response—without the full breakdown of thought. Neurotypical people may perceive longer explanations as “defensive” or as “excuses,” especially if they feel it detracts from the main issue.
To a neurotypical person, a long answer could signal an attempt to justify the outcome rather than simply acknowledge it. Here’s a deeper look into why they might feel this way:
- Perception of Over-Explaining
In neurotypical communication, there’s often an emphasis on brevity, especially in professional settings. When they ask for a reason, they may expect a quick, straightforward answer. If the response feels lengthy, they may perceive it as over-explaining, which can feel like an attempt to deflect responsibility. - Expectation of Accountability First
Often, neurotypical individuals expect a show of accountability before any background explanation. They might interpret “I understand it was late” or “I know this may have caused issues” as owning up to the action, while providing the reason afterwards. Jumping straight into the explanation can sometimes make them feel that accountability is being side-stepped. - Tone and Emotion
Neurotypical people tend to interpret tone heavily. If the explanation sounds overly detailed, defensive, or emotional, they may interpret this as an excuse. While you’re just giving a full picture, they might read into your tone as though you’re trying to justify or defend rather than simply share information.
Strategies to Bridge This Communication Gap
Navigating these differences can be tricky, but here are a few ways to help prevent your well-intended explanations from being misinterpreted:
- Start with an Acknowledgment
Opening with a brief acknowledgment can create a foundation of shared understanding and responsibility before moving into an explanation.
- Example: “I realize that the report came in later than expected.” This approach sets the stage, making neurotypical listeners feel that you recognize the impact, which can make them more receptive to hearing the full story.
- Offer a Short Answer First, Then Ask If They’d Like More Detail
Neurotypical people may respond well to concise answers, especially if you can add that you’re open to giving more context. This respects their possible need for brevity and control over the level of detail.
- Example: “I needed extra time to verify sources. Would you like to know more about the process?” This way, they feel they have control over how much detail they get.
- Use “Reason” Words to Clarify Intent
Using terms that emphasize your intent to explain without justifying may help reduce the risk of your explanation being seen as an excuse. Words like “background,” “context,” or “process” can signal that your goal is clarity, not justification.
- Example: “To give you background on why it took longer…”
The Goal: Understanding Each Other’s Communication Style
Understanding this distinction can feel difficult and frustrating, but these different communication styles are important. Neurotypical people may not always consciously realize they expect accountability or conciseness before explanations, while those who naturally explain their reasoning in detail may feel unfairly accused of making excuses.
At its core, this difference is a mismatch in communication styles and expectations. Both sides can benefit from understanding each other’s perspectives: the listener can learn to appreciate detailed explanations as a sign of respect, and the explainer can practice conciseness or prefacing statements to better meet neurotypical expectations. This way, we can create clearer, more constructive conversations, even in moments of misunderstanding.
