It is one of the strangest human experiences: realizing that the person who seems to like you, or even care deeply about you, is treating you the worst. They pull away, act cold, pick fights, or say cutting things that do not match what you feel underneath. It can be confusing and painful, and it can easily make you think, “If they treat me like this, they must not care.”
Sometimes that is true. But other times, the bad behavior grows out of fear, confusion, and unfinished business inside the person who actually does care. Understanding these patterns does not excuse the behavior, but it can help you see what is really going on and decide how to respond.
Below are some of the most common reasons someone might treat a person they like poorly.
1. Fear of vulnerability
Liking someone opens the door to being rejected, abandoned, or judged. For some people, vulnerability feels unsafe. So instead of leaning in, they push away.
Ways this can show up:
- They tease you too harshly or use sarcasm that cuts.
- They act aloof or uninterested, even though you sense they are paying close attention.
- They suddenly pull back after a good moment or a deep conversation.
The logic in their mind often sounds like:
- “If I do not show how much I care, they cannot hurt me as much.”
- “If I act like I do not need them, I stay in control.”
They are trying to protect their heart by staying on higher ground emotionally. The problem is that this “protection” hurts the very connection they want.
2. Low self worth and “I do not deserve this”
If someone has a deep belief that they are unworthy, unlovable, or “too much,” then being liked by a good person can actually trigger shame instead of joy.
Possible inner thoughts:
- “If you really knew me, you would not stay.”
- “Good people do not actually stick with me.”
- “This is too good for someone like me.”
To get relief from that tension, they might:
- Put you down or criticize you to lower you to the level where they feel comfortable.
- Start arguments so the relationship feels shaky, which matches how unstable they feel inside.
- Behave badly until you finally pull away, confirming their belief that “this is what always happens.”
In a twisted way, mistreating you “proves” their negative story about themselves and relationships. It reinforces a familiar pain that feels safer than risking a happy outcome that they do not trust.
3. Fear of dependence and loss of control
Some people are extremely uncomfortable with the idea of needing anyone. Maybe they grew up in a home where dependence was punished, mocked, or used against them. Maybe they promised themselves they would never let anyone have power over their emotions.
When they start to like you, they feel:
- “I am getting attached.”
- “My mood is starting to depend on how they act.”
- “This is dangerous. They can hurt me.”
To regain control, they might:
- Become cold or distant when you get too close.
- Sabotage nice moments with criticism or drama.
- Talk to other people, flirt, or create jealousy so they feel less “owned” by their feelings for you.
Their poor treatment is often an attempt to prove, “You cannot control me, and I do not need you,” even when their heart is saying the opposite.
4. Unresolved past hurt
Old wounds do not disappear just because a new person shows up. If they were betrayed, neglected, or humiliated in a past relationship, their nervous system may be on high alert with you.
They might:
- Expect you to leave, cheat, or lie like someone did before.
- Interpret neutral behavior as rejection, anger, or criticism.
- React to you as if you are their ex, a parent, or some past figure that hurt them.
So they:
- Start fights over small triggers.
- Punish you for things you did not do.
- Test you to see if you will hurt them the way others did.
They like you, but they are still in a war with ghosts from their past, and you accidentally become the battlefield.
5. Poor relationship skills and emotional immaturity
Liking someone does not automatically mean you know how to handle that feeling well. Some people simply do not have the skills.
They may:
- Not know how to communicate their feelings clearly.
- Have a hard time regulating emotions like jealousy, insecurity, or anxiety.
- Use passive aggressive or manipulative tactics because it is what they learned by example.
Examples:
- Instead of saying, “I feel insecure when you talk to your ex,” they get angry at you for small things or act cold.
- Instead of saying, “I miss you,” they pick a fight.
- Instead of setting boundaries, they silently resent you and then snap.
They are not necessarily bad people. They are inexperienced, emotionally underdeveloped, or repeating dysfunctional patterns they saw growing up.
6. Power games and fear of being “under” someone
Some people equate caring with weakness. In their mind:
- “The person who cares less has the power.”
- “If I show I like them, they will have the upper hand.”
So even if they like you, they may:
- Cancel plans last minute to show they are not invested.
- Make you chase them or prove yourself constantly.
- Withhold compliments, affection, or validation.
They are trying to position themselves above you emotionally so they will not be the “weaker” one. Unfortunately, this dynamic turns affection into a contest, not a partnership.
7. Internal conflict about what they want
Sometimes they like you, but another part of them:
- Is not ready for commitment.
- Has other priorities (career, freedom, other connections).
- Feels pressure from family, friends, culture, or religion.
This conflict can make them:
- Act hot and cold.
- Blow warm when they are lonely, then disappear when they feel crowded.
- Say things like “I like you, but…” and then behave in ways that hurt you.
The poor treatment comes from their inability to choose a lane. They keep you close enough to feel comfort, but far enough to feel free, and you get caught in the middle.
8. Projection of their own flaws and guilt
If someone is doing things they are not proud of (lying, hiding something, talking to others in ways they should not), they may feel guilty around you.
Instead of owning it, they:
- Accuse you of the very behavior they are doing.
- Become defensively critical of you.
- Pick apart your flaws so they do not have to sit with their own.
This can feel like they are attacking you for no reason. In reality, your presence triggers their conscience, and mistreating you is a way to push away that mirror.
9. Testing how much you will tolerate
Some people, consciously or not, test the limits of what others will accept. If they like you, they might want to know:
- “Will you still stay if I am difficult?”
- “How far can I go before you walk away?”
- “Are you really different from everyone else?”
So they:
- Show you their worst moods early.
- Disrespect your boundaries to see how you react.
- Treat you poorly to see if you still show up.
If you always stay, always explain away their behavior, or always take them back without change, they might conclude:
- “I can act like this and they will not leave.”
This is where your own boundaries and self respect become absolutely critical.
10. Envy, comparison, and resentment
Liking someone can come with admiration. But admiration can twist into envy if they feel you:
- Are more confident.
- Have more options.
- Are more successful, stable, or socially wanted.
That envy can turn into:
- Subtle put downs disguised as jokes.
- Withholding of support when good things happen to you.
- Sabotaging moments when you are doing well.
They like you, but they also resent the ways you make them feel “less than.” Instead of dealing with their insecurity, they try to pull you down to feel more equal.
11. Overwhelm and emotional flooding
Some people are not used to intense feelings, even positive ones. When they begin to like someone deeply, they feel overwhelmed.
That overwhelm can show up as:
- Irritability.
- Snapping over small things.
- Shutting down, dissociating, or disappearing.
It is not that they do not care. It is that their emotional system is flooded, and they do not know how to calm themselves without running away or lashing out.
12. Simple selfishness and lack of respect
Not every reason is complex or psychological. Sometimes someone likes you, but:
- They like themselves more.
- They like the benefits of your presence more than your wellbeing.
- They are used to centering their own comfort.
This can look like:
- Only being kind when they want something.
- Ignoring your needs while expecting you to prioritize theirs.
- Apologizing without changing.
They may genuinely enjoy you and feel affection. But affection without respect and effort is not enough. You experience their selfishness as poor treatment, even if they convince themselves they “care.”
What this means for you
Understanding why someone might treat you poorly, even if they like you, can be clarifying. But it should not be used as a reason to accept ongoing disrespect or harm.
A few grounded truths:
- Their feelings for you do not cancel out their impact on you.
Someone can be hurting, scared, or insecure and still be responsible for how they treat you. - You do not have to be the therapist, fixer, or teacher.
You can understand someone and still choose to step back if their behavior is draining you. - Patterns matter more than promises.
Look at how they behave over time, not just how they act on good days or what they say in emotional conversations. - Your boundaries teach them how to treat you.
If you allow repeated mistreatment with no consequence, you unintentionally signal that it is acceptable. Clear boundaries, distance, or leaving are sometimes the only language that reaches someone stuck in their own patterns.
Final thought
When someone treats you poorly, the first instinct is often, “What is wrong with me?” In many cases, the more honest question is, “What is going on inside them that has nothing to do with my worth?”
People can like you and still hurt you because of fear, insecurity, immaturity, or selfishness. Their unresolved struggles can twist affection into confusion and cruelty. It is useful to understand these dynamics so you can see the full picture.
But at the end of the day, the most important part is this: you are allowed to require kindness, consistency, and respect from anyone who claims to care about you. Their reasons may explain their behavior, but your standards decide whether you stay in the path of it.
