It’s a frustrating paradox: the loud, inconsiderate coworker or the selfish neighbor often seems unbothered by life’s struggles, walking around with a smug smile or exuding an air of carefree contentment. Why do people with abrasive or selfish behaviors often appear happier than those who strive to be kind, empathetic, and cooperative? The reasons are complex, rooted in psychology, social dynamics, and even evolutionary biology.

1. Lower Emotional Burden

One of the defining traits of so-called “assholes” is their disregard for how their actions affect others. Unlike empathetic individuals, they rarely spend time worrying about hurting someone’s feelings or carrying the weight of others’ emotional burdens. This emotional detachment frees them from the guilt, overthinking, and stress that empathetic people often experience.

Example:
While a considerate friend agonizes over whether they upset someone with a poorly worded text, the more self-centered individual moves on without a second thought, conserving their mental energy.

2. Prioritizing Their Own Needs

Self-centered individuals prioritize their own happiness and well-being above all else. While this behavior might seem selfish, it often leads to tangible benefits, such as greater control over their time, fewer obligations, and a clearer focus on their personal goals. By putting themselves first, they avoid the exhaustion and resentment that can come from constant people-pleasing.

Key Insight:
They say “no” without guilt, set boundaries without hesitation, and pursue their desires without overanalyzing others’ opinions. These behaviors allow them to maintain a sense of freedom and autonomy, which are key ingredients for happiness.

3. The Power of Confidence (Even If It’s Misplaced)

Many “assholes” radiate confidence, even when it’s unwarranted. This confidence can shield them from self-doubt and fear of failure. Whether it stems from arrogance or genuine self-belief, this sense of superiority often translates into a more optimistic outlook, less anxiety, and a willingness to take risks—all of which can lead to a happier demeanor.

Example:
A brash coworker who insists on their own ideas may succeed simply because they’re more willing to advocate for themselves, while others hold back, weighed down by self-doubt or fear of judgment.

4. Ignoring Social Expectations

Social norms and expectations often constrain behavior, especially for empathetic individuals who feel pressured to meet societal or moral standards. “Assholes” often ignore these constraints, doing what they want, when they want, without worrying about whether it’s socially acceptable. This disregard for external judgment can create a sense of liberation that feels like happiness.

Example:
The person who cuts in line or skips out on a group project doesn’t waste time justifying their behavior—they’re already onto the next thing that benefits them.

5. Selective Emotional Detachment

People who seem abrasive or selfish often excel at separating themselves from emotionally challenging situations. Instead of dwelling on problems or conflicts, they mentally compartmentalize and move on. While this may seem cold, it can reduce stress and prevent them from becoming bogged down by emotional baggage.

Key Contrast:
Empathetic individuals may lie awake replaying awkward interactions, while the “asshole” sleeps soundly, unbothered by the fallout of their actions.

6. Manipulating Perceptions

Another reason assholes seem happier is their skill at projecting an image of confidence and control, even when they may not feel it internally. By flaunting their perceived successes, they give the impression of contentment, regardless of the truth. This illusion can even boost their own self-esteem, creating a feedback loop of seeming—and eventually feeling—happier.

Example:
The overly boastful person on social media who flaunts their vacations or accomplishments might not be happier than others, but their ability to control the narrative makes it seem that way.

7. Benefits of Short-Term Thinking

Many empathetic individuals take a long-term view, considering how their actions today affect the future. Self-centered people, however, are often focused on immediate gratification. While this short-term thinking can have negative consequences down the line, it frequently brings immediate rewards—whether it’s skipping a boring meeting, indulging in luxuries, or avoiding responsibility.

Key Observation:
Instant gratification is a key driver of happiness, and those who prioritize their own desires are better positioned to enjoy life’s small, fleeting pleasures.

The Trade-offs of “Happiness”

While assholes may appear happier, this type of happiness often comes with a cost. Their actions can alienate others, harm relationships, and erode trust over time. The carefree appearance may mask deeper insecurities or unaddressed personal issues. True, sustainable happiness often comes from meaningful connections, self-awareness, and personal growth—qualities that the selfishly happy may lack.

Conversely, empathetic individuals may struggle with stress, guilt, or burnout in the short term, but their actions often lead to deeper fulfillment, stronger relationships, and lasting happiness over time.

Conclusion: A Superficial Illusion

The happiness of assholes is often more apparent than real. Their freedom from emotional burdens, social constraints, and guilt allows them to project an enviable carefree demeanor. However, this type of happiness is typically superficial, rooted in self-interest and short-term gratification. While it may look appealing on the surface, it lacks the depth and resilience of happiness built on empathy, kindness, and meaningful relationships.

For those who value long-term joy and connection, the answer isn’t to emulate “assholes” but to learn from their ability to set boundaries, prioritize self-care, and release unnecessary guilt—all while maintaining the integrity and empathy that form the foundation of lasting happiness.