Living with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) can be an invisible battle—a developmental disability that often goes unacknowledged, misunderstood, or invalidated by those around you. For many, the challenge isn’t just dealing with ADHD itself but also the constant need to prove that it is, in fact, a disability that limits what they can do at times. The pleas for understanding often fall on deaf ears, leaving individuals feeling isolated, frustrated, and unheard.

ADHD Is a Disability—Not a Lack of Effort

ADHD is recognized as a developmental disorder that affects executive functioning—the mental processes that allow us to plan, focus attention, manage time, and regulate emotions. For someone with ADHD, even seemingly simple tasks can feel insurmountable due to brain differences that make it hard to organize, prioritize, or follow through.

But here’s the problem: because ADHD doesn’t always manifest physically, it’s often dismissed. Statements like “just try harder” or “everyone gets distracted sometimes” perpetuate the misconception that ADHD is merely laziness, a lack of motivation, or an excuse. In reality, ADHD is a legitimate disability that can significantly impair one’s ability to function, especially in moments of overwhelm.

When “Just Push Through” Isn’t an Option

The most damaging response to someone with ADHD saying “I can’t do this” is to dismiss their words as exaggeration or excuse-making. Phrases like “just push through” or “try harder” imply that the person isn’t trying enough, invalidating the very real barriers their brain presents. This leads to shame, self-doubt, and an even deeper sense of inadequacy.

Here’s the truth: People with ADHD are often already trying too hard. They’re burning out, masking their struggles, and compensating in ways that neurotypical people may not see. When someone with ADHD says, “I can’t do this,” it’s not a lack of effort—it’s a vulnerable admission of their current limitations.

Why Belief Matters

When you tell someone with ADHD that they’re just not trying hard enough, you’re reinforcing a lifetime of invalidation. Many people with ADHD grow up being told that their struggles are a result of laziness, not working hard enough, or a failure of character. They internalize these messages, leading to a cycle of guilt, anxiety, and burnout.

Believing someone when they say, “I can’t do this” is an act of support and validation. It communicates that you see their struggles, that you trust their experience of their own mind, and that they don’t need to prove their disability to you. This belief can be transformative, offering a sense of safety and understanding that allows them to focus on managing their ADHD instead of defending its existence.

What People with ADHD Don’t Need

1. Unsolicited Tips:
   While advice is often well-meaning, it can feel dismissive. The person likely knows every hack, strategy, and tip under the sun—they’ve tried them all, often with varying results. When they say they can’t, they’ve already reached a point where no strategy is helpful in the moment.
2. Toxic Positivity:
   “You can do it!” or “I believe in you!” can unintentionally invalidate their reality. While encouragement has its place, it’s not helpful when someone is overwhelmed and simply needs acknowledgment of their current limits.
3. Comparisons:
   “I did it, so you can too” ignores the fact that ADHD fundamentally changes how the brain processes tasks. Comparing someone with ADHD to a neurotypical person is not only unfair but also misses the unique challenges they face.
4. Dismissal of Struggles:
   Brushing off their inability to do something as “not that hard” can feel like gaslighting. It suggests that their experience isn’t real or valid, deepening feelings of isolation.

What People with ADHD Do Need

1. Validation:
   When someone says, “I can’t do this,” respond with empathy:
   • “I hear you.”
   • “That sounds really hard.”
   • “I believe you.”
2. Practical Support:
   Offer tangible help instead of advice.
   • “Is there something I can take off your plate?”
   • “Would you like me to sit with you while you work through this?”
3. Respect for Boundaries:
   Accept that “no” or “I can’t” is a valid response. Pushing them to do something they’re not ready for only adds pressure and stress.
4. Patience:
   ADHD is unpredictable—what’s possible one day might be impossible the next. Be patient and understanding as they navigate these fluctuations.

Breaking the Cycle of Invalidating Responses

For those who don’t have ADHD, it can be hard to understand why certain tasks feel impossible. The best thing you can do is trust the person’s experience. You don’t have to fully understand it to validate it. Imagine being told every day that your struggles aren’t real—that’s the reality for many people with ADHD. By choosing to believe them, you’re breaking that cycle and creating space for genuine support and understanding.

Final Thoughts: Choosing Empathy Over Judgment

Living with ADHD is already an uphill battle. The constant need to explain, justify, and prove their struggles is exhausting. When someone with ADHD says, “I can’t do this,” they’re not looking for quick fixes or motivational speeches—they’re looking for belief and support.

So, the next time someone tells you they can’t do something because of ADHD, pause. Resist the urge to offer solutions or encouragement. Instead, respond with empathy and trust their words. Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give someone is the reassurance that they don’t have to fight to be believed.