Human behavior is complex, especially when it comes to persuasion and motivation. A common paradox in psychology is that when people are told what they “should” do, they often resist or reject the suggestion, even if it is in their best interest. This reaction is rooted in psychological principles such as reactance, autonomy, and identity. Understanding why this happens can help improve communication and influence without triggering resistance.

1. Psychological Reactance: The Rebellion Against Control

One of the strongest reasons people resist being told what to do is psychological reactance, a concept developed by psychologist Jack Brehm in 1966. Reactance occurs when people feel their freedom or autonomy is being threatened, leading them to push back against the perceived restriction.

• When someone says, “You should eat healthier,” the brain may register this as an external attempt to control behavior, even if the advice is beneficial.
• Instead of accepting the suggestion, the person might respond with defiance: “I don’t have to! I can eat whatever I want!”
• The more forceful or urgent the directive, the stronger the resistance.

Reactance is particularly strong in people who highly value independence or have a rebellious streak. Even children and teenagers frequently exhibit this behavior when faced with authority figures dictating their choices.

2. Autonomy: The Need to Make Independent Choices

Humans have an innate desire for autonomy, or the ability to make their own choices. When people feel that a decision is truly theirs, they are more likely to embrace it. However, when a choice feels imposed, it can trigger resistance—even if it aligns with what they already wanted to do.

• Example: A person might already be considering a career change, but if someone tells them, “You should get a better job,” they may suddenly feel pressured and resist the idea.
• Even if the suggestion makes logical sense, the loss of perceived autonomy makes it less appealing.

The key to overcoming this barrier is giving people a sense of control over their decisions rather than pushing directives on them.

3. Identity and Self-Perception: “I Decide Who I Am”

People’s behaviors are closely tied to their self-identity. When someone tells them what they “should” do, it can feel like a challenge to their self-perception.

• If someone is told, “You should stop procrastinating,” they may interpret this as an attack on their ability to manage time, rather than helpful advice.
• Instead of accepting the suggestion, they might defend their behavior: “I work better under pressure” or “I’ll get it done in my own way.”

People want to feel competent and in control of their own choices. If advice or criticism makes them feel judged or inferior, they will instinctively reject it.

4. The Power of Reverse Psychology and Indirect Influence

Rather than telling people what they “should” do, a more effective approach is guiding them toward the decision on their own terms. Strategies that work better include:

1. Asking Questions Instead of Making Statements

• Instead of saying, “You should exercise more,” ask, “Have you ever noticed how good you feel after a workout?”
• Instead of, “You should save more money,” ask, “What would financial security mean for you?”

2. Presenting Options Instead of Commands

• Offering choices helps people maintain a sense of autonomy.
• Example: “Would you prefer to work out in the morning or evening?” instead of “You should start going to the gym.”

3. Leading by Example

• People are more likely to adopt behaviors they see others practicing rather than behaviors they are told to adopt.
• Example: Instead of telling someone to read more, talking about a book you enjoyed might spark their interest naturally.

4. Framing Suggestions as Personal Benefits

• Instead of saying, “You should stop smoking,” say, “Many people find they have more energy when they quit smoking.”
• This removes the pressure of a directive while planting the idea positively.

Conclusion

Telling someone what they “should” do often backfires because it triggers psychological reactance, threatens autonomy, and challenges self-identity. To encourage behavior change effectively, it is better to use open-ended questions, provide choices, lead by example, and frame suggestions as personal benefits.

People are more likely to act on a decision when they feel it is theirs to make, not one imposed on them. The key to influence is not forcing compliance but guiding people toward realizing the best choice for themselves.