The phenomenon of valuing individuals who do not treat us well is a complex aspect of human social behavior. It often stems from a psychological pattern where people perceive hard-to-get attention as more valuable than attention that is given freely and without hassle. This pattern can be traced to various underlying factors, including low self-esteem, the desire for validation, and the mistaken belief that difficulty in obtaining something equates to its value.

At the heart of this issue is the concept of self-worth. When someone has low self-esteem, they may unconsciously believe that they are not deserving of respect and kindness. Consequently, when someone treats them poorly, it reaffirms their self-view, creating a cycle where mistreatment is normalized and even valued. This can be especially true in relationships where the dynamics of power play a role, and where being acknowledged by someone who is perceived as ‘superior’ or ‘unattainable’ can feel like an achievement.

The desire for validation also plays a significant role. People often crave acknowledgment from those who are sparing with their attention because it feels like a more significant achievement to win their approval. There’s a sense of triumph and specialness in gaining the attention of someone who is perceived as better or higher status, which can be mistakenly equated with one’s own value.

Additionally, the scarcity principle suggests that people place higher value on things that are scarce or hard to obtain. When someone’s attention and kindness are rare, they can seem more desirable, leading individuals to work harder for that attention and to value it more once received.

The irony in this situation is that the attention and respect freely given by others are often more genuine and indicative of healthy relationships. Yet, these may be undervalued or overlooked because they are readily available. The challenge lies in recognizing the intrinsic value of respectful and kind treatment and reevaluating the reasons behind our valuation of people’s behaviors towards us.

It’s essential to foster self-awareness and self-worth, understanding that the attention we deserve should not be contingent on how hard we work for it, but on mutual respect and kindness. Valuing ourselves and the quality of our relationships over the perceived value of scarce attention can lead to healthier interactions and a more positive self-image.