What irritates us most in others sometimes reveals something unresolved within ourselves.

There is something revealing about the people who provoke our strongest emotional reactions.

Sometimes, a person can say something relatively harmless, behave in a way that does not directly affect us, or display a personality trait that others barely notice, yet we find ourselves experiencing disproportionate irritation.

Their confidence seems like arrogance. Their sensitivity feels like weakness. Their independence appears selfish. Their need for attention seems unbearable. Their mistakes frustrate us more than similar mistakes made by anyone else.

We may feel convinced that the problem lies entirely with them.

And sometimes it does. People can behave disrespectfully, violate boundaries, manipulate others, or act in ways that reasonably provoke frustration.

But there are also moments when our reaction tells us something beyond what is happening in front of us.

Sometimes, what irritates us most in another person touches something we have rejected, suppressed, feared, or struggled to accept within ourselves.

The person becomes an unexpected mirror.

Not necessarily reflecting who we are in any simple or literal way, but revealing emotional patterns, beliefs, insecurities, and unresolved experiences that may otherwise remain hidden.

Our strongest reactions to others can sometimes reveal less about their character than about the emotional meaning their behavior carries for us.

Understanding this possibility can transform irritation from an automatic judgment into an opportunity for self-awareness.

Why Certain People Get Under Our Skin

We encounter countless personalities throughout our lives.

Some people are outspoken. Others are reserved. Some are highly organized, while others are spontaneous. Some seek attention, while others prefer privacy.

Most of these differences are simply part of human diversity.

Yet certain behaviors trigger reactions that seem unusually intense.

Imagine two people encountering the same outspoken colleague.

One admires the colleague’s confidence.

Another finds the colleague entertaining.

A third experiences immediate irritation and thinks, “Why does this person always need to make themselves heard?”

The colleague’s behavior may be identical in each case, but the emotional response differs.

Why?

Because we do not respond only to what others do. We also respond to what their behavior means to us.

For someone who was repeatedly discouraged from expressing opinions, another person’s freedom to speak confidently may stir resentment.

For someone who was taught that drawing attention to oneself is inappropriate, visible self-confidence may feel offensive.

For someone who struggles with insecurity, another person’s self-assurance may activate painful comparisons.

In these cases, the irritation is not necessarily about the behavior alone.

It is partly about the beliefs and experiences through which the behavior is interpreted.

This does not mean every strong reaction has a hidden psychological cause. Sometimes a person is genuinely inconsiderate or disruptive.

But when our emotional response seems especially intense, repetitive, or difficult to explain, it may be worth examining what else is contributing to it.

The intensity of a reaction can sometimes be a clue that the present moment is touching something from the past.

The Qualities We Reject in Ourselves

One possible explanation for disproportionate irritation is that we are reacting to qualities we have difficulty accepting within ourselves.

In psychology, the term projection describes a process in which people attribute feelings, motives, or characteristics to others that they have difficulty recognizing in themselves.

Projection is not the explanation for every interpersonal conflict, and it should not be used to dismiss legitimate concerns. But it offers a useful way of exploring certain recurring reactions.

Consider someone who prides themselves on being endlessly responsible.

They work hard, meet expectations, sacrifice personal comfort, and rarely allow themselves to relax.

When they encounter someone who sets firm boundaries, takes time off, or refuses unnecessary obligations, they become irritated.

They might describe that person as lazy, selfish, or entitled.

But perhaps part of the irritation comes from their own inability to rest without guilt.

The other person is exercising a freedom they have never allowed themselves.

Or consider someone who has spent years suppressing anger because they believe expressing it is unacceptable.

When another person openly communicates frustration, they may feel intensely uncomfortable.

They may judge the expression of anger as immature or inappropriate, even when it is proportionate and respectful.

Their reaction may reflect not only the other person’s behavior but also their own complicated relationship with anger.

The same dynamic can appear around confidence, ambition, vulnerability, attention, pleasure, independence, or emotional expression.

Sometimes we criticize people for displaying qualities we have taught ourselves not to possess.

What we condemn in another person may occasionally be something we have never given ourselves permission to express.

The Resentment of Denied Permission

There is a subtle form of resentment that emerges when we see others living with freedoms we deny ourselves.

Someone who has always prioritized other people’s needs may become irritated by individuals who comfortably say no.

Someone who believes success must involve relentless sacrifice may resent people who seem to enjoy their work.

Someone who suppresses personal desires may judge others who openly pursue pleasure or happiness.

Someone who has spent years trying to appear emotionally strong may feel uncomfortable around people who express vulnerability.

The irritation may arise from an unspoken question:

“Why are they allowed to do something I have never allowed myself to do?”

Of course, no one may have explicitly forbidden the behavior in adulthood.

The restriction may now exist primarily as an internal rule.

We must always be helpful.

We must never appear weak.

We must not disappoint anyone.

We must earn rest.

We must avoid attracting attention.

We must always maintain control.

These rules may have developed through upbringing, cultural expectations, relationships, or personal experiences.

Over time, they can become so familiar that we mistake them for universal standards of proper behavior.

When someone violates those standards without experiencing the shame or anxiety we associate with them, the contrast can feel unsettling.

Instead of questioning the rule, we may criticize the person who does not follow it.

This is one reason self-awareness can be uncomfortable.

Sometimes it reveals that our frustration is connected to freedoms we secretly desire.

The person who irritates us may be demonstrating an option we have not yet considered available to ourselves.

When Other People’s Behavior Awakens Old Wounds

Not every strong reaction reflects a rejected part of ourselves.

Sometimes another person’s behavior resembles something painful from our past.

A dismissive tone may remind us of a parent who rarely listened.

An unreliable colleague may evoke memories of someone who repeatedly broke promises.

A controlling personality may resemble a former relationship in which our independence was restricted.

Someone who interrupts frequently may activate the familiar feeling of being ignored or unimportant.

These reactions can occur even when the current situation is less severe than the earlier experience.

The present behavior becomes emotionally linked to an old pattern.

For example, imagine someone who grew up feeling invisible in their family.

As an adult, they may become particularly sensitive to situations in which others dominate conversations or overlook their contributions.

When a colleague interrupts them, they may experience not only ordinary frustration but also a familiar sense of powerlessness.

The immediate event is real.

The interruption may genuinely be disrespectful.

But the emotional intensity may also reflect earlier experiences of not being heard.

Recognizing this distinction does not mean excusing the colleague’s behavior.

It means understanding why the interaction carries such emotional weight.

Sometimes we are responding to what someone has done today while also feeling the emotional impact of what someone else did years ago.

This awareness can help us respond more proportionately without denying that our boundaries matter.

The People Who Challenge Our Self-Image

Our irritation can also emerge when other people threaten the identity we have constructed.

Most of us carry a mental image of who we are.

We may think of ourselves as intelligent, responsible, compassionate, independent, disciplined, or morally principled.

These identities help organize our sense of self.

But they can also become rigid.

Suppose someone strongly identifies as a generous person.

They may struggle to acknowledge moments when they act selfishly.

When they encounter someone who openly prioritizes personal needs, they may react with harsh judgment.

The other person’s behavior challenges the belief that goodness always requires self-sacrifice.

Or consider someone whose identity depends heavily on being competent.

They may become unusually irritated when others make mistakes because mistakes represent something they are deeply afraid of making themselves.

They may judge imperfection harshly in others because they judge it harshly within themselves.

The more fragile a particular part of our self-image feels, the more defensive we may become when something challenges it.

Sometimes this defensiveness appears as irritation.

We criticize the other person rather than examining the discomfort their behavior creates.

But personal growth often requires recognizing that our identities are more complex than the labels we use.

We can be responsible and still need rest.

We can be compassionate and still experience selfish impulses.

We can be intelligent and still make mistakes.

We can be confident and still feel insecure.

We can be emotionally mature and still react defensively.

Accepting these contradictions reduces the pressure to reject similar qualities in others.

Why Arrogance Sometimes Irritates Insecure People

Arrogance is a useful example because it can provoke frustration for different reasons.

A genuinely arrogant person may dismiss others, exaggerate their abilities, or behave disrespectfully.

Such conduct can reasonably cause irritation.

But sometimes what we label arrogance is simply confidence expressed more openly than we are comfortable expressing ourselves.

A person who struggles with self-doubt may find another person’s confidence threatening.

They may interpret ordinary self-assurance as superiority.

They may assume that someone who speaks proudly about an achievement is seeking attention.

They may become uncomfortable when another person receives recognition.

Beneath the irritation may exist an insecurity about their own abilities or worth.

The other person’s confidence creates a painful comparison.

Instead of recognizing the comparison, they dismiss the other person as arrogant.

This does not happen in every case, and confidence and arrogance are not interchangeable.

The important question is whether our judgment is based on observable disrespect or on discomfort with someone possessing a quality we find difficult to embody.

Sometimes the people who irritate us are not doing anything wrong.

They are simply comfortable occupying space in ways we have never learned to be.

When Someone Else’s Weakness Reflects Our Own Fear

Another revealing pattern occurs when we become unusually harsh toward people who display vulnerability.

Someone who fears appearing incompetent may have little patience for beginners.

Someone who has always suppressed sadness may dismiss emotional people as overly sensitive.

Someone who learned to survive through independence may judge others for asking for help.

Someone who has spent years hiding insecurity may react negatively to people who openly admit self-doubt.

In these situations, the irritation may be connected to fear.

The other person is displaying a condition we have worked hard to avoid.

Perhaps we learned that weakness invites criticism.

Perhaps vulnerability once led to rejection.

Perhaps mistakes were treated as evidence of personal failure.

We may then develop strict expectations about how people should behave.

When others fail to meet those expectations, we react with frustration.

But the harshness we direct outward may resemble the harshness we direct inward.

This is why examining our judgments can reveal our relationship with ourselves.

If we cannot tolerate someone else’s mistakes, how do we respond to our own?

If another person’s emotional needs irritate us, do we allow ourselves to have needs?

If we become impatient with uncertainty in others, are we equally unforgiving of our own confusion?

Sometimes compassion toward others becomes easier when we recognize the standards we have been using to punish ourselves.

The qualities we cannot tolerate in others may reveal the parts of our own humanity we have never fully accepted.

The Difference Between a Trigger and a Genuine Problem

It is important to avoid turning every moment of irritation into a psychological accusation against ourselves.

Not all discomfort is projection.

Not every criticism reveals envy.

Not every boundary reflects unresolved trauma.

And not every difficult person is secretly teaching us something about our hidden emotional wounds.

Some behaviors are genuinely harmful.

Dishonesty, manipulation, cruelty, repeated disrespect, and boundary violations can cause legitimate anger.

Sometimes irritation is a useful signal that something needs attention.

The challenge is learning to distinguish between a proportionate response to current behavior and a reaction intensified by personal history.

A useful starting point is to examine the evidence.

What exactly did the person do?

Was the behavior objectively disrespectful, or did it simply conflict with my preferences?

Would I react similarly if someone I liked behaved the same way?

Is my emotional response proportionate to what occurred?

Does this type of person repeatedly provoke the same reaction in me?

Does their behavior remind me of someone or something from my past?

Am I frustrated because they violated a reasonable boundary, or because they violated an internal rule I impose on myself?

These questions can reveal whether the irritation is primarily about the present situation, an old emotional pattern, or some combination of the two.

The goal is not to eliminate anger or become endlessly tolerant.

It is to respond with greater clarity.

Self-awareness does not mean blaming yourself for other people’s behavior. It means understanding which part of your reaction belongs to the present and which part may belong to your history.

Why We Sometimes Dislike People Who Resemble Us

There is another uncomfortable possibility: sometimes the people who irritate us possess qualities we recognize in ourselves.

A controlling person may become frustrated with another controlling person.

Someone who seeks attention may judge others for wanting recognition.

A competitive person may dislike people who openly compete.

Someone who frequently criticizes others may react defensively when encountering another critical personality.

This can happen because similarity creates conflict.

Two people with the same strong tendencies may compete for influence, attention, or control.

But it can also happen because seeing our own less flattering qualities in someone else creates discomfort.

It is often easier to recognize problematic behavior from the outside.

When we observe another person’s impatience, defensiveness, jealousy, or need for approval, the behavior may appear obvious.

We notice its consequences.

We see how it affects others.

Yet when similar tendencies appear within ourselves, we may explain them through circumstances.

We were tired.

We were stressed.

We had good intentions.

We were responding to something difficult.

The explanations may be legitimate, but they can also reveal a double standard.

We judge our own behavior through the context of our intentions while judging others through the visible effects of their actions.

Recognizing this imbalance can be humbling.

The person we criticize may be displaying something we also struggle with, even if it appears in a different form.

The Uncomfortable Relationship Between Envy and Irritation

Sometimes irritation is connected to envy, an emotion many people find difficult to acknowledge.

Envy does not always appear as an obvious desire to possess what someone else has.

It can emerge as criticism, dismissal, sarcasm, or contempt.

We may criticize someone’s ambition because we are disappointed with our own progress.

We may dismiss another person’s success because it highlights opportunities we feel we missed.

We may judge someone’s confidence because we wish we felt more secure.

We may resent someone’s freedom because our own responsibilities feel overwhelming.

The other person becomes a reminder of something we want, lack, or have not permitted ourselves to pursue.

Acknowledging envy can feel uncomfortable because we often associate it with pettiness or moral failure.

But envy is also a human emotion that can provide information about our unmet desires.

The important question is what we do with it.

We can use envy to justify hostility toward someone else.

Or we can examine what it reveals about our values and aspirations.

If another person’s success consistently irritates us, perhaps we need to reconsider our own relationship with ambition.

If someone else’s independence provokes resentment, perhaps we need stronger boundaries in our own life.

If another person’s joy makes us uncomfortable, perhaps we need to examine what is missing from our sense of fulfillment.

Sometimes what looks like criticism of another person’s life is actually grief over a life we have not allowed ourselves to pursue.

Our Irritations Can Reveal Hidden Beliefs

Emotional reactions often rest upon assumptions about how people should behave.

We may not consciously recognize these beliefs until someone violates them.

For example:

“Responsible people should always put duty before pleasure.”

“Confident people should remain modest.”

“Good people should never prioritize themselves.”

“Intelligent people should not make obvious mistakes.”

“Strong people should not complain.”

“People who care about others should always be available.”

These beliefs may contain useful values, but they can become harmful when treated as absolute rules.

They create rigid expectations that neither we nor other people can consistently satisfy.

When someone behaves differently, we experience irritation.

But the irritation may reveal the rule itself.

Perhaps we have confused responsibility with self-neglect.

Perhaps we have confused humility with silence.

Perhaps we have confused strength with emotional suppression.

Perhaps we have confused kindness with the inability to establish boundaries.

Examining these beliefs does not require abandoning our values.

It requires separating values from rigid expectations.

We can value responsibility without condemning rest.

We can appreciate humility without resenting confidence.

We can respect strength without dismissing vulnerability.

We can admire generosity without expecting unlimited self-sacrifice.

As our beliefs become more flexible, many unnecessary irritations lose their intensity.

The Stories We Create About Other People’s Intentions

One reason irritation becomes so powerful is that we rarely respond to behavior alone.

We create stories about what the behavior means.

Someone interrupts us, and we conclude they think they are more important.

Someone disagrees with us, and we assume they are trying to undermine us.

Someone receives praise, and we decide they are showing off.

Someone sets a boundary, and we interpret it as selfishness.

Someone remains quiet, and we assume they are judging us.

These interpretations may sometimes be correct.

But they are not automatically facts.

Our expectations influence how we explain other people’s behavior.

If we already dislike someone, we may interpret their ambiguous actions negatively.

If we feel insecure, we may perceive harmless comments as criticism.

If we expect rejection, we may interpret emotional distance as deliberate abandonment.

The resulting irritation can feel completely justified because our interpretation seems obvious to us.

Yet another person might observe the same interaction and reach a different conclusion.

This is why emotional maturity involves learning to distinguish observation from interpretation.

“I was interrupted” is an observation.

“They interrupted me because they believe I am unimportant” is an interpretation.

“They did not invite me” is an observation.

“They deliberately excluded me because they dislike me” is an interpretation.

“They spoke confidently about their achievement” is an observation.

“They were trying to make everyone else feel inferior” is an interpretation.

Recognizing this difference does not mean ignoring genuine patterns of mistreatment.

It means avoiding unnecessary certainty about motives we cannot directly observe.

How Self-Awareness Changes Our Relationships

When we begin examining our emotional reactions, we create space between irritation and judgment.

Instead of immediately deciding that another person is unbearable, we become curious about why their behavior affects us so strongly.

This curiosity can reduce unnecessary conflict.

Suppose someone else’s direct communication style irritates you.

Rather than immediately concluding that they are rude, you might recognize that you grew up in an environment where direct disagreement was discouraged.

Their communication style may feel aggressive because it violates expectations you learned early in life.

You can then evaluate whether their behavior is genuinely disrespectful or simply unfamiliar.

Or suppose a friend who frequently prioritizes personal time makes you resentful.

You may discover that you have difficulty saying no and feel exhausted by obligations you have accepted.

Your friend’s boundaries may be highlighting a need for boundaries of your own.

This realization changes the direction of your attention.

Instead of focusing entirely on correcting the other person, you begin considering what you can change within your own life.

That shift is powerful because we have limited control over other people’s personalities.

But we can examine our assumptions, communicate our needs, establish boundaries, and develop healthier responses.

The moment we become curious about our irritation, we begin turning an automatic reaction into an opportunity for conscious choice.

The Courage to Ask, “What Is This Bringing Up in Me?”

Self-examination requires honesty.

It is often easier to criticize someone else’s behavior than to explore why it affects us.

Judgment provides a sense of certainty.

Curiosity introduces complexity.

When we judge, the problem appears simple: the other person is wrong.

When we become curious, we may discover uncomfortable truths about ourselves.

Perhaps we are more insecure than we realized.

Perhaps we have been denying ourselves important needs.

Perhaps we carry resentment from old experiences.

Perhaps we expect perfection because we fear being judged.

Perhaps our anger is connected to grief, envy, shame, or disappointment.

These discoveries are not reasons for self-condemnation.

They are opportunities for understanding.

A useful practice is to pause when irritation feels unusually intense and ask:

• What exactly about this person’s behavior bothers me?
• What meaning am I assigning to their actions?
• Have I felt this way around other people?
• Does this behavior remind me of something from my past?
• Is this a quality I suppress, fear, or judge within myself?
• Am I reacting to a genuine boundary violation or an expectation I have never questioned?
• What might this reaction reveal about a need I have not acknowledged?

We do not need to analyze every minor annoyance.

But recurring emotional patterns deserve attention.

Sometimes the people who repeatedly disturb our peace are exposing areas where greater self-understanding could make our lives easier.

Learning to Accept Our Own Complexity

One of the most valuable outcomes of this work is a more compassionate relationship with ourselves.

Many people divide their qualities into acceptable and unacceptable categories.

They allow themselves to be hardworking but not tired.

Kind but not angry.

Confident but not proud.

Independent but not needy.

Ambitious but not uncertain.

Strong but not vulnerable.

Yet human beings are more complicated than these rigid categories allow.

We can be generous and occasionally selfish.

We can be thoughtful and sometimes impatient.

We can be capable and still need support.

We can be confident in one area and insecure in another.

We can love people and still feel frustrated with them.

Accepting this complexity does not mean excusing harmful behavior.

It means recognizing that possessing a difficult emotion or imperfect tendency does not make us fundamentally bad.

When we stop treating certain aspects of ourselves as unacceptable, we may become less threatened by seeing similar qualities in others.

Someone else’s vulnerability no longer reminds us of a weakness we must hide.

Someone else’s confidence no longer feels like a challenge to our worth.

Someone else’s boundaries no longer provoke resentment over our own self-sacrifice.

Someone else’s mistakes no longer activate the same harsh standards we use against ourselves.

The more honestly we can accept our own humanity, the less we may need to condemn it when we encounter it in other people.

Compassion Does Not Require Tolerating Harm

There is an important distinction between understanding the origins of our reactions and excusing harmful behavior.

Recognizing that a person’s actions activate old emotional wounds does not mean we must remain in situations where we are repeatedly mistreated.

We can understand why someone behaves aggressively while refusing to accept aggression.

We can recognize that another person is struggling with insecurity while maintaining boundaries against manipulation.

We can acknowledge someone’s painful history without making ourselves responsible for managing their emotions.

And we can examine our own reactions without assuming that every conflict is somehow our fault.

Self-awareness should strengthen our ability to respond appropriately, not weaken our sense of personal safety.

Sometimes reflection reveals that our irritation is disproportionate.

Other times it confirms that an important boundary has been crossed.

Both discoveries can be useful.

The purpose of looking inward is not to dismiss what happens outwardly.

It is to develop a clearer understanding of the whole situation.

We can take responsibility for our reactions while holding others accountable for their behavior.

From Judgment to Understanding

When we recognize that irritation may contain information about our inner world, our relationships can begin to change.

We may become less reactive to personality differences.

We may stop assuming negative intentions without evidence.

We may recognize when someone else’s freedom highlights restrictions we have placed upon ourselves.

We may identify old experiences influencing present emotions.

We may become more willing to admit that the qualities we criticize in others sometimes resemble qualities we struggle with personally.

This shift can create greater emotional flexibility.

Instead of thinking, “I cannot stand people who behave like that,” we might ask, “Why does this behavior affect me so intensely?”

Instead of saying, “That person is selfish,” we might consider, “Do I struggle to respect my own needs?”

Instead of judging someone as weak, we might ask, “What have I learned to believe about vulnerability?”

Instead of resenting another person’s success, we might ask, “What does their achievement reveal about my own unfulfilled ambitions?”

These questions do not guarantee comfortable answers.

But they move us away from automatic judgment and toward deeper self-understanding.

They also help us recognize that other people are not merely characters in our emotional experiences.

They have their own histories, intentions, struggles, and contradictions.

Their behavior may influence us without being primarily about us.

And recognizing that distinction can bring considerable peace.

The Freedom of No Longer Being Controlled by Every Irritation

Emotional freedom does not mean becoming incapable of frustration.

It means developing the ability to experience irritation without automatically allowing it to control our perceptions and behavior.

We can notice annoyance without immediately attacking someone.

We can recognize discomfort without assuming danger.

We can disagree without turning the disagreement into a personal threat.

We can encounter qualities we do not possess without automatically devaluing them.

We can establish boundaries without carrying unnecessary resentment.

And we can recognize when another person’s behavior has touched an unresolved issue within us.

This creates an important shift.

Instead of making every irritating person responsible for our emotional state, we begin taking greater responsibility for how we respond.

We learn that not every reaction requires an argument.

Not every disagreement requires correction.

Not every personality difference requires judgment.

And not every uncomfortable feeling means someone else has done something wrong.

Sometimes discomfort is simply an invitation to understand ourselves more deeply.

The person in front of us may not be the source of everything we are feeling.

They may only have revealed something that was already there.

Final Thoughts: Sometimes the Mirror Is More Revealing Than the Person

The people who irritate us most can sometimes become unexpected teachers.

Not because their behavior is necessarily admirable.

Not because we must accept everything they do.

And not because every negative reaction is evidence of a hidden personal flaw.

But because strong emotional responses can reveal the beliefs, wounds, insecurities, fears, and unmet needs that influence how we experience the world.

We may resent another person’s confidence because we struggle to express our own.

We may criticize their boundaries because we have never learned to establish ours.

We may judge their vulnerability because we fear acknowledging our own.

We may become frustrated by their mistakes because we have never forgiven ourselves for making similar ones.

We may react strongly to their dismissiveness because it awakens memories of times when we felt invisible.

Or we may simply be responding appropriately to behavior that genuinely violates our values or boundaries.

The wisdom lies in learning to distinguish between these possibilities.

Instead of assuming that every irritation reveals someone else’s problem, we can occasionally turn our attention inward.

What is this reaction telling me?

Why does this particular behavior carry so much emotional weight?

Is there something here I have been avoiding, denying, or struggling to accept?

What might become possible if I approached this feeling with curiosity instead of immediate judgment?

The answers can reveal parts of ourselves that have remained hidden beneath habitual reactions.

They can help us recognize outdated beliefs, acknowledge suppressed needs, and develop greater compassion for both ourselves and others.

Ultimately, self-awareness does not require us to approve of everyone.

It asks us to understand why certain people have such power over our emotions.

And sometimes, when we examine that power honestly, we discover that the most important issue was never entirely about the other person.

What disturbs us in others may occasionally point toward something within ourselves that is asking to be understood, accepted, or healed.

The next time someone provokes an unusually strong reaction, consider that the discomfort may contain information worth exploring.

Perhaps the person is behaving badly.

Perhaps an important boundary needs to be established.

Or perhaps, somewhere beneath the irritation, there is an old wound, an unexamined belief, or a disowned part of yourself seeking attention.

Sometimes the person who irritates us most is not showing us who they are. They are helping us discover something we have not yet recognized about who we are.

And the moment we become willing to look beyond the irritation, we may discover that understanding ourselves is far more liberating than continually judging everyone else.