The biggest lesson is simple. Do not give so much of yourself to people who will not do the same for you. Reciprocity is not cold accounting. It is the condition that keeps love, work, and friendship alive.
Why reciprocity matters
- It protects energy and time.
- It prevents resentment from replacing care.
- It filters for people who value you.
- It makes repair and growth possible.
A quick self audit
Ask after any stretch of effort:
- Did they meet me, even a little
- Do I feel steadier after interacting
- Are actions matching words
- Do I see progress when I raise a need
Two or more no answers signal a one way street.
Signs you are over giving
- You explain basic needs repeatedly.
- Plans rely on your flexibility, not theirs.
- You celebrate them while your wins pass unnoticed.
- You justify patterns instead of acknowledging them.
Boundaries that keep you whole
- Set a floor. Interest shown in words and matched by actions.
- Cap effort. Try once, follow up once, then pause.
- Replace vague access with clear windows to talk or meet.
- Say what changes next time and follow through.
Short scripts
- I like helping, and I need this to be mutual.
- I can do X by Friday. I will need Y from you by Wednesday.
- I am stepping back for now. If the support can be two sided, I am open to reconnecting.
Good examples
- You plan three times in a row. You ask them to plan the next one. They do. You continue.
- A colleague misses a handoff. You set a checklist and deadline. The next project runs smoothly.
- You notice a friend rarely asks about you. You say it clearly. They start asking and remembering details.
Bad examples
- Giving more after every disappointment.
- Keeping score silently while refusing to make a request.
- Postponing your goals to keep a lopsided bond alive.
How to rebalance your circle
- Invest in the people who already show up.
- Join spaces with built in accountability such as teams, meetups, classes.
- Track one metric each week. Who did I give time to, and who gave time back.
Closing reminder
Generosity is powerful when paired with discernment. Share deeply with the people who share back. Save space for those who prove they will carry you as you carry them.
