As parents, caregivers, and role models, it’s natural to want to give kids hope, make them happy, and build trust by promising things that excite or comfort them. However, consistently over-promising and under-delivering can have long-term psychological and emotional effects that shape how children view trust, commitment, and relationships as they grow up.

In this article, we’ll explore why over-promising happens, the emotional impact it can have on kids, and practical strategies to set realistic expectations while still fostering hope and positivity.

What Is Over-Promising and Under-Delivering?

Over-promising means making commitments or guarantees beyond what you can realistically deliver. In a parenting context, it could involve:

• Making false guarantees: Saying “We’ll definitely go to the amusement park this weekend” without considering potential obstacles.
• Offering excessive reassurance: Saying “I promise you’ll get that gift for your birthday” when finances are tight.
• Setting unrealistic expectations: Saying “You’ll make the team if you try your best” when selection depends on factors beyond effort.

When promises aren’t kept, children internalize the experience, affecting how they perceive the world, trust others, and build relationships.

Why Parents Over-Promise

Parents often over-promise with the best of intentions, driven by emotional, psychological, and social pressures such as:

1. Avoiding Disappointment in the Moment

• Parents may make promises to calm a child down, end a tantrum, or avoid conflict.
• Example: “We’ll buy that toy next time, I promise”—without actually planning to do so.

2. Wanting to Be the “Good” Parent

• Parents want to please their kids or avoid looking “mean”, even when they’re unsure if they can deliver.
• Example: “I promise we’ll have the best vacation ever!”

3. Guilt and Compensation

• Parents who feel guilty about missing events or working long hours may promise grand experiences as a way to compensate.
• Example: “I’ll take you to the theme park to make up for missing your game.”

4. Overestimating Control or Resources

• Sometimes, parents are too optimistic, believing they can control events when many factors remain uncertain.
• Example: “Don’t worry—you’ll get into the best college if you keep your grades up.”

The Emotional and Psychological Impact on Kids

When parents frequently promise but fail to deliver, children learn certain emotional and cognitive patterns that can shape their worldview as they grow up. Here’s how over-promising affects different aspects of a child’s development:

1. Loss of Trust

Broken promises create a pattern of disillusionment and distrust. Children become wary of believing what they’re told because they expect promises to be broken.

Long-Term Effect:

• Skepticism: They may struggle to trust authority figures, friends, or even future romantic partners.
• Emotional Distance: They may become emotionally guarded to avoid disappointment.

Example:

• A parent frequently promises to attend school plays but never shows up. The child may eventually stop inviting the parent, expecting them not to come.

2. Damaged Self-Esteem and Worth

When promises involving rewards or recognition aren’t kept, children may interpret this as “I’m not important enough” or “I’m not good enough.”

Long-Term Effect:

• Low Self-Worth: They may believe their needs don’t matter or feel unworthy of love or attention.
• Need for Validation: They may crave approval and become people-pleasers to avoid further disappointment.

Example:

• A parent promises a special birthday celebration but cancels due to work obligations. The child may internalize feelings of neglect or unimportance.

3. Unrealistic Expectations of Life

Over-promising can also cause children to develop unrealistic expectations about how life works. If they believe everything will always work out just because they were promised, they may be ill-prepared for life’s uncertainties.

Long-Term Effect:

• Entitlement Mindset: They may grow up expecting things to be handed to them, assuming promises guarantee results.
• Struggles with Disappointment: They may struggle to cope when life doesn’t meet their expectations.

Example:

• If a parent repeatedly promises “You’ll win if you try hard enough”, the child may not learn that effort doesn’t always guarantee success.

4. Emotional Insecurity

Inconsistent parenting creates emotional instability. Kids may feel like the ground beneath them isn’t stable, causing them to second-guess relationships and life decisions.

Long-Term Effect:

• Anxious Attachment: They may become clingy or needy, constantly seeking reassurance.
• Fear of Abandonment: They may experience separation anxiety or social insecurity in future relationships.

Example:

• A parent frequently promises to be home on time but is often late or absent. This unpredictability can make the child fear abandonment in other relationships.

How to Avoid Over-Promising and Build Trust

To build trust while still being positive and encouraging, try these practical strategies:

1. Be Honest and Realistic

• Manage Expectations: If something isn’t guaranteed, be upfront.
• Say This: “I’ll try my best to come to your game, but I might be late because of work.”

2. Use Conditional Language

• Avoid Absolute Promises: Use language that acknowledges uncertainty.
• Say This: “If everything goes as planned, we’ll go to the zoo on Saturday.”

3. Follow Through When Possible

• Keep Small Promises: Kids remember even small commitments like playtime or storytime. Following through shows reliability.
• Say This: “I promised we’d read tonight—let’s do it now!”

4. Explain When Plans Change

• Communicate Openly: If something falls through, explain why and offer alternatives.
• Say This: “I know I said we’d have a picnic, but it’s raining. Let’s have one indoors instead!”

5. Under-Promise and Over-Deliver

• Surprise Them: When possible, exceed expectations rather than making grand promises.
• Say This: “Let’s see how this week goes—maybe we can do something fun this weekend!”

Final Thoughts: Promises That Build Trust

While promises can create hope and excitement, they come with responsibility. Consistently over-promising and under-delivering can damage trust, self-esteem, and emotional stability in children. However, with honest communication, realistic expectations, and follow-through, parents can build strong relationships based on trust and security.

Remember: It’s better to promise less and deliver more than to promise too much and let them down. In the end, your child’s sense of trust and emotional resilience will be stronger because they know they can rely on you.