There is a moment in every pattern where you finally wake up. You see what is really happening, not what you wish was happening. That is the moment when the sentence forms in your mind:
“That’s not how this gonna work.”
It is not just slang. It is a boundary. It is you refusing to keep playing a game that was never built for your well being. This line appears when something is unfair, unbalanced, or quietly draining the life out of you.
This article is about that moment, why it matters, and how to use it wisely without becoming bitter, dramatic, or cold.
What “That’s Not How This Gonna Work” Really Means
On the surface, it sounds like a rejection. Underneath, it is actually a redefinition. When you say it, you are doing at least three things:
- Naming the reality
You are no longer pretending. You are acknowledging, even if only to yourself:- This deal is one sided.
- This expectation is unrealistic.
- This pattern is hurting me.
- Refusing default settings
A lot of life runs on unspoken rules.- “I give more, you take more, and we call it love.”
- “I overwork, you underpay, and we call it opportunity.”
- “I tolerate disrespect, you call it joking, and we stay friends.”
Saying “that’s not how this gonna work” is you stepping out of auto pilot.
- Announcing a shift
You are not simply upset. You are shifting the terms. You are signaling, clearly:
“If this is how it has to be, I am opting out or changing my role in it.”
It is not a tantrum. It is a conscious decision to stop cooperating with something that is costing you more than it returns.
Where This Line Shows Up In Real Life
1. In Relationships
Sometimes you realize that what is being sold as love is actually convenience for the other person.
- You always adjust your schedule.
- You always forgive, even when they do not change.
- You open up, they stay closed, but still expect access to your time, your body, your energy.
“That’s not how this gonna work” in a relationship might sound like:
- “I am not going to keep explaining basic respect.”
- “If you only reach out when you need something, we do not have a real connection.”
- “I care about you, but I am not going to carry this relationship alone.”
The point is not to become cold. The point is to stop rewarding selfish behavior with continued access.
2. In Friendships
Friendship is supposed to be a mutual investment. Over time, you notice patterns:
- They remember you when they are bored, not when you are struggling.
- They invite you when it benefits them, but disappear when it costs them anything.
- They talk about themselves nonstop, but never ask how you are doing in a real way.
“That’s not how this gonna work” in friendships might be:
- Pulling your energy back.
- Stopping the constant chasing and checking in.
- Letting the connection fade if you are the only one trying.
You are not punishing them. You are simply aligning your effort with their effort.
3. At Work
Workplaces will easily take more than you can give if you let them.
You might catch yourself:
- Staying late every day for no real recognition.
- Taking on tasks outside your role without a conversation about pay.
- Being the emotional sponge for coworkers and managers.
“That’s not how this gonna work” at work looks like:
- “I can help with that temporarily, but not as an ongoing expectation without a role change.”
- Quietly updating your resume instead of endlessly hoping they will see your value.
- Leaving at your actual end time instead of saving everyone else, every day.
You are not being lazy. You are refusing to let work eat your entire life for free.
4. With Yourself
Sometimes the pattern you need to confront is inside you.
It might be:
- “I destroy my sleep and then expect myself to perform like a machine.”
- “I numb out with food, scrolling, or drama and then shame myself for not being focused.”
- “I plan huge goals and do nothing daily that matches those goals.”
“That’s not how this gonna work” with yourself means:
- “If I want a clear mind, I have to stop feeding it constant trash input.”
- “If I want energy, I cannot keep treating my body like it is disposable.”
- “If I want real change, I cannot rely on last minute panic every time.”
It is not self hatred. It is self leadership. You stop letting your weaker impulses run the show.
The Hidden Cost Of Letting Things “Work” Like This
If you do not draw the line, life will happily run on the current script. And the current script might be costing you:
- Self respect
Every time you tolerate what truly bothers you, you vote against yourself. A little piece of you sees that you refuse to protect your own peace. Over time, that builds quiet resentment, often pointed at other people but rooted in your own lack of boundaries. - Energy and health
Constantly over giving, over explaining, over fixing, and over functioning burns you out. Your body keeps the score. Anxiety, exhaustion, and random physical symptoms often come from patterns you refuse to re negotiate. - Time and opportunity
Every hour spent keeping a broken dynamic alive is an hour you do not spend building something better. The cost of “just letting it slide” is hidden, but massive.
Saying It Without Burning Everything Down
You can say “that’s not how this gonna work” in two ways: with heat or with clarity. Heat feels good in the moment, but clarity actually changes things.
Here is how to do it well.
1. Get very specific
Vague boundaries rarely work. Instead of:
- “You are always using me.”
Try:
- “I notice you reach out when you need money, but not for anything else. I am not going to keep doing that.”
Instead of:
- “This job is unfair.”
Try:
- “I have taken on additional responsibilities for three months without an adjustment to my role or pay. That is not a sustainable setup for me.”
Specific truth is harder to dodge.
2. Speak in terms of what you will do
Boundaries are about your behavior, not controlling theirs.
- “If this continues, I will have to step back.”
- “I am not going to answer messages after a certain time.”
- “I will not lend money anymore.”
- “I am going to leave if the conversation keeps getting disrespectful.”
You cannot control their choices. You can control your participation.
3. Say it early, not after you explode
Most explosions come from ignored early signals. You knew something was off. You felt the sting the first few times. You gave yourself a speech like, “It is fine, it is not that bad.”
The longer you wait, the more dramatic it feels when you finally say something. It is much easier to say:
- “Hey, I am not okay with that,”
the first or second time, instead of the fiftieth.
4. Accept that some people will not like it
Some people are only comfortable with you when you are easy to use, easy to ignore, easy to lean on without reciprocation.
When you say “that’s not how this gonna work,” a few things might happen:
- They might get defensive.
- They might play the victim.
- They might withdraw.
None of that is proof you are wrong. It is proof that the old arrangement served them more than it served you.
When You Are The One Who Has To Change
The uncomfortable twist is this: sometimes people silently say “that’s not how this gonna work” about you.
Maybe you:
- Only show up when you are lonely or struggling.
- Expect emotional labor from others but rarely give it back.
- Keep promising change with no follow through.
If someone pulls back, gets firm, or resets terms, it may sting, but it is also a map. Instead of seeing it as rejection, see it as feedback:
- “What about my behavior stopped working for them?”
- “Am I asking for more than I give?”
- “If I were them, would this feel fair?”
Sometimes the most powerful version of this sentence is one you quietly say to yourself about your own habits.
Turning The Line Into A Life Principle
“That’s not how this gonna work” is not only for crisis moments. It can become a lens you apply everywhere.
- In what I agree to
Before saying yes:- Do I actually want this?
- Is this sustainable?
- Does this match my values and limits?
- In what I tolerate
When something feels off:- Do I address it or swallow it?
- Am I making excuses for repeated behavior?
- In what I expect from myself
- Am I demanding perfection but giving myself zero structure?
- Am I expecting discipline while feeding myself chaos?
- Am I dreaming big but acting small on purpose every day?
You start checking whether the way you are doing things can realistically lead to the life you say you want. If not, you do not just complain. You say it:
“That is not how this gonna work.”
Then you adjust.
The Quiet Power Behind The Phrase
At its core, this line is about ownership.
- Ownership of your energy.
- Ownership of your time.
- Ownership of your story.
It is you deciding that your life is not a free resource for people who refuse to meet you halfway. It is you admitting that your old patterns are not built for where you want to go. It is you stepping out of roles that were assigned to you and choosing roles that are aligned with you.
You do not owe everyone access. You do not owe every pattern another year of your life. You do not owe every version of yourself permanent status.
You are allowed to say, in plain language, out loud or in your head:
“That’s not how this gonna work.”
And then, with calm, consistent action, build a version of your life that actually does.
