“If you expect unevolved people to do evolved things, you are guaranteed to be disappointed.” The line is blunt because it is true. Disappointment often comes from asking someone to give what they do not yet have. Emotional regulation, empathy, accountability, long term thinking, and honest repair are learned capacities. If a person has not built them, your expectation will collide with their reality.
What “evolved” really means
Evolved is not about superiority. It is about skills and awareness developed through practice. Think of it like fitness. Someone who has never trained cannot run ten miles tomorrow, no matter how much you want them to. In relationships and teams, the equivalent miles are things like pausing before reacting, owning mistakes, keeping commitments, and holding respectful boundaries.
Why misaligned expectations hurt
- You keep raising your volume instead of changing your strategy.
- The other person feels judged rather than guided, so they defend instead of growing.
- Time and trust erode while everyone waits for a level that never arrives.
How to apply the rule
Assess capacity, not fantasy. Look at patterns from the last 90 days. Do words match actions. Do repairs follow apologies. Capacity lives in repetition.
Calibrate the ask. Match requests to the level you actually see. If someone struggles with punctuality, ask for one on time meeting per week and build from there.
Teach with specifics. Replace “be better” with a clear behavior. Try, “When you are upset, say you need five minutes and come back ready to talk.”
Set boundaries that protect you. State your line and the consequence you will carry out. Calm, brief, and consistent.
Reward growth. When a new behavior appears, name it and appreciate it. Reinforcement speeds change.
Know when to step back. If harm continues or promises never become practice, limit access or exit the situation.
Everyday examples
Dating
You want consistent communication. The other person is warm one day and absent the next. Instead of chasing, you name the standard, watch for two weeks, and decide. If inconsistency persists, you leave, not because they are evil, but because the level does not match your needs.
Work
A talented colleague avoids accountability. You switch from vague feedback to concrete expectations with dates and deliverables. If deadlines are still missed, you change scope or escalate. You stop expecting self management that has never been demonstrated.
Family
A relative thrives on drama. You move gatherings to shorter time blocks, hold a firm end time, and disengage from bait. You stop expecting calm conversations in long, unstructured settings.
A leader’s playbook
- Hire and promote for demonstrated behaviors, not potential you hope to unlock next quarter.
- Write responsibilities as observable actions. Review on that basis.
- Create practice fields. Role play hard conversations and debrief them.
- Remove privileges when standards are ignored and restore them when behavior changes.
- Model the level you expect. People rise faster when they can copy a working example.
A mirror worth checking
We are all unevolved somewhere. Identify one area where your own capacity is thin. Pick a single practice that would raise your level and work it daily. Humility keeps this rule from becoming judgment. It turns it into a path.
The payoff
When you stop expecting evolved behavior from unevolved people, three things happen. You protect your peace with clear boundaries. You make growth possible by asking for the next right step rather than a leap. You choose relationships and teams where the level matches the mission. Expectations aligned with reality are not cynical. They are the beginning of wisdom.
