Some relationships quietly erase your edges. The other person stops relating to you as a separate human and starts using you to meet their needs, manage their image, or carry their feelings. Here are clear signs to watch for, plus quick ways to respond.

Language that collapses your identity

• They speak for you. “We think,” “We like,” or they answer questions directed at you.
• They rename your preferences. Your choice becomes “our thing” without your consent.
• They rewrite your memories. Your account gets corrected or replaced with theirs.

Decisions made on your behalf

• Plans are set without checking your availability or interest.
• They commit you to favors, promises, or positions you did not agree to.
• Your no is treated as a negotiation tactic rather than a boundary.

Boundaries are seen as obstacles

• They push past limits you stated, then frame you as difficult for restating them.
• Requests for space are labeled cold, rude, or “not what partners/family do.”
• Access to your time, body, or attention is assumed rather than asked.

Emotional outsourcing

• You are responsible for their mood, comfort, and self-worth.
• Your feelings are inconvenient unless they validate theirs.
• You are expected to preempt needs without being told.

Credit and blame are imbalanced

• Your wins are absorbed into their story. Their praise for you circles back to them.
• Their setbacks become your fault. You are asked to explain or fix what you did not cause.

Privacy is optional in their mind

• They open your messages, share your business, or volunteer your history.
• Your belongings are used without asking. “What is yours is ours” only flows one way.

Autonomy is subtly punished

• Independent plans trigger guilt trips or silent treatment.
• New hobbies, friendships, or growth spark criticism or suspicion.
• They frame your independence as a threat rather than a strength.

Constant framing in terms of them

• Compliments compare you to their ex, their parent, or their ideal.
• Feedback is about how you reflect on them socially.
• Your uniqueness is edited to fit their narrative.

One-way flexibility

• You adjust to their schedule, preferences, and comfort zones.
• When you ask for reciprocity, the rules suddenly become fixed.

Repair avoids accountability

• Apologies are conditional. “I am sorry, but you know how I get.”
• They focus on your reaction instead of their action.
• Promises to change lack specifics, timelines, or follow-through.

Quick self-check questions

• Do I feel like I am managing them more than relating to them
• Do my no’s need long essays to be respected
• Do my choices shrink when they are around
• Do I feel I must think ahead for their comfort at the cost of my own

What healthy looks like

• Separate minds. Each person can disagree without being corrected into alignment.
• Two yeses. Plans and intimacy require shared consent, every time.
• Boundaries honored the first time. No repetition needed.
• Emotional ownership. Each person manages their own feelings and asks for support, not control.
• Credit shared, blame owned. Wins are celebrated, mistakes are admitted by the one who made them.

How to respond

1. Name the pattern simply. “I feel spoken for. I want to answer for myself.”
2. Set one clear boundary. Use short, direct lines. “Do not volunteer me for plans.”
3. Add a consequence you can keep. “If you open my messages again, I will change the password.”
4. Reduce access if needed. Shorter calls, fewer favors, slower replies while trust is rebuilt.
5. Track behavior, not promises. Look for consistent change over several weeks.
6. Seek support. Friends, therapy, or a mediator can help you hold the line.
7. Know your exit. If your autonomy keeps shrinking, plan a safe and clean separation.

Bottom line

Being loved should not require being absorbed. If someone treats you as an extension of themselves, reclaim your edges with clear language, firm boundaries, and consistent follow-through. Mutual respect means two full people, not one person and a mirror.