What shame feels like
A hot, shrinking sense that the whole self is bad or exposed. It often brings urges to hide, attack, or overperform. Guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says I am wrong.
Everyday triggers
- Being corrected in public
- Failing a test or missing a deadline
- Body or appearance comments
- Money stress or job loss
- Parenting struggles seen by others
- Cultural or family expectations you cannot meet
Behaviour examples by pattern
Withdrawal and hiding
- Avoids eye contact, tucks chin, speaks softly or not at all
- Leaves events early, ghosts messages, stops posting online
- Stays home to avoid being seen after a mistake
People pleasing
- Over apologizes for minor issues
- Says yes to requests that harm capacity
- Offers gifts or favors to repair imagined damage
Perfectionism and overwork
- Rewrites emails many times before sending
- Works late to prevent any criticism
- Delays shipping a project to avoid possible flaws
Anger and blame
- Snaps at others when feeling exposed
- Points out someone else’s error to deflect attention
- Argues over details to avoid admitting fault
Self attack
- Uses harsh inner talk, calls self names
- Ruminates on past embarrassments
- Sabotages good opportunities because feeling unworthy
Avoidance and numbing
- Procrastinates on tasks tied to identity
- Scrolls, drinks, or overeats to escape the feeling
- Cancels plans that might reveal weaknesses
Defensive humour or oversharing
- Jokes at own expense before others can
- Shares too much too fast to control the narrative
Risk aversion
- Won’t ask questions in class or meetings
- Stays in roles that feel safe but small
- Declines chances to lead or present
At work
- Hides mistakes instead of reporting and fixing
- Hoards tasks, refuses to delegate
- Takes credit early to avoid being seen as incompetent
- Dodges performance reviews or skips 1 on 1s
In relationships
- Stonewalls after conflict, disappears for hours
- Checks partner’s reactions repeatedly for reassurance
- Avoids intimacy or play due to fear of being judged
- Excessive caretaking to feel worthy of love
Online
- Deletes posts that get little engagement
- Lurks without contributing for fear of being wrong
- Changes profiles often to escape old versions of self
Language clues
- I am a mess, I always ruin things
- They will think I am fake
- If they really knew me, they would leave
Health and body
- Hides body with baggy clothing after a comment
- Crash diets or overtrains after a single photo
- Skips medical visits to avoid being judged
After a setback
- Replays the moment on loop
- Avoids anyone who witnessed it
- Swears off the activity entirely
How to respond more helpfully
If you notice shame in yourself
- Name it plainly
This is shame. My nervous system is protecting me. - Shift from self to action
What did I do, and what is one repair I can make - Use a short self compassion script
I am human. Others struggle like this. I can take one small step. - Reality check
What evidence supports this story What evidence does not - Repair or learn
Apologize once, fix what you can, capture the lesson. - Share selectively
Tell one trusted person instead of going silent or oversharing. - Build tolerance
Practice small exposures. Ask one question in a meeting. Share one draft with a friend.
If someone else shows shame
- Offer warm eye contact and a calm tone
- Normalize mistakes without minimizing impact
- Ask what would help right now privacy, a break, or a plan
- Praise specific effort toward repair, not the person’s worth
Quick self audit
- Trigger: what set this off
- Story: what am I telling myself about me
- Signal: where do I feel it in the body
- Action: what is the smallest useful step I can take in 5 minutes
- Support: who can I tell or what resource helps me
Closing
Shame is a common human alarm. Its behaviours often look like hiding, pleasing, attacking, or avoiding. When you name it and choose one small repair, the alarm quiets and growth returns.
