Life constantly throws challenges our way, and our ability to manage them depends on one critical skill: recognizing what we can and cannot control. Understanding this distinction helps us reduce stress, make better decisions, and maintain emotional well-being. Let’s explore how to tell the difference and apply this insight to everyday life.

What Does “In Control” Mean?

When something is “in control,” it means you have the power to influence or change the outcome through your actions, decisions, or mindset. This doesn’t guarantee success, but it gives you agency over the situation.

Examples of Things You Can Control:

• Your Actions: How you respond to problems.
• Your Thoughts: Practicing positive thinking or reframing negative thoughts.
• Your Effort: The energy and time you put into tasks.
• Your Boundaries: How you set limits with others.
• Your Reactions: Responding calmly or emotionally to challenges.

What Does “Out of Control” Mean?

Something “out of control” falls beyond your ability to influence, no matter how much effort or thought you invest. Trying to change these things can lead to frustration, anxiety, and burnout.

Examples of Things You Can’t Control:

• Other People’s Actions: Their behavior, decisions, or reactions.
• The Past: What has already happened.
• External Events: Natural disasters, political changes, or global events.
• Outcomes: Final results that depend on factors beyond your efforts.
• Random Circumstances: Unexpected delays, traffic, or accidents.

How to Tell the Difference

Use these three strategies to distinguish what you can control from what you can’t:

1. Ask Yourself: “Can I Directly Influence This?”

• If yes, you have some level of control. Take action or adjust your behavior accordingly.
• If no, focus on managing how you respond instead of wasting energy on the uncontrollable.

Example:

• In Control: Completing a work project by its deadline.
• Out of Control: Whether your boss praises the project.

2. Use the “Circle of Control” Framework

Imagine three circles:

• Inner Circle (Control): What you can directly change (your actions, thoughts).
• Middle Circle (Influence): What you can indirectly affect (someone’s opinion through persuasion).
• Outer Circle (No Control): What you cannot change (weather, politics).

Focus your energy on the inner and middle circles while letting go of the outer circle.

3. Check Your Emotional Reaction

Feelings of frustration, helplessness, or overwhelm often signal that you’re fixated on something beyond your control. Pause, reflect, and redirect your focus to actions you can take.

Example:

• In Control: Preparing for a job interview by researching and practicing.
• Out of Control: Whether the company hires you.

Why This Distinction Matters

1. Reduces Stress and Anxiety: Accepting what you can’t control frees your mind from unnecessary worry.
2. Enhances Decision-Making: Focusing on what you can influence leads to more thoughtful, goal-oriented actions.
3. Improves Resilience: Resilient people manage setbacks better because they accept life’s unpredictability while controlling how they adapt.

Practical Ways to Apply This Insight

1. Create a “Control Log”
   Write down worries or challenges. Divide them into two columns: “In My Control” and “Out of My Control.” Take action on the first and practice acceptance for the second.
2. Practice Mindfulness
   Mindfulness helps you stay present and less consumed by uncontrollable outcomes. Use techniques like meditation, breathing exercises, or journaling.
3. Adopt a Problem-Solving Mindset
   When facing a problem, ask, “What action can I take right now?” If there’s nothing actionable, let it go or shift your focus to something productive.
4. Let Go of Perfectionism
   Perfectionists often struggle with control issues. Aim for progress, not perfection, and be willing to adapt to unforeseen changes.
5. Accept Uncertainty
   Life is unpredictable. Embracing uncertainty as a natural part of life builds mental flexibility and emotional strength.

Final Thought

The key to living a balanced, peaceful life is understanding what’s within your power and what isn’t. By focusing on what you can control and letting go of the rest, you’ll free up mental energy, reduce stress, and create a more purposeful life. Remember, you can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. Focus on steering your ship where you want it to go.