Love is one of the most profound and transformative emotions we can experience. It connects us, deepens our empathy, and allows us to grow together with another person. Yet, one of the greatest misunderstandings about love is the idea that if we truly care about someone, we should mold them into a “better” version of themselves—one that aligns more closely with our preferences, expectations, or ideals.
The truth is, real love isn’t about changing someone. It’s about accepting them as they are, flaws and all, and supporting their growth only if and when they choose it.
The Illusion of “Fixing” Someone
Many people fall into the trap of believing that love gives them a license to “improve” their partner. This belief often stems from a place of good intentions—wanting the best for someone you care about. However, the urge to change someone is less about love and more about control or unmet expectations.
- Control vs. Acceptance: Trying to change someone often arises from a desire to make them fit into your vision of what they should be, rather than appreciating who they are.
- Projection of Values: Sometimes, we project our own values and insecurities onto our loved ones, assuming that what works for us will work for them.
Example: Encouraging a partner to pursue a hobby or career path they’re uninterested in because you think it’s the right choice may seem loving, but it disregards their autonomy.
What Real Love Looks Like
- Acceptance
Loving someone means accepting their quirks, flaws, and imperfections. It doesn’t mean ignoring red flags or tolerating harmful behavior, but it does mean recognizing that everyone has their unique journey.- Practical Example: If your partner is introverted, pushing them to become more outgoing to suit your social preferences undermines who they truly are.
- Support
Real love supports someone’s growth on their terms. It means being there to encourage and uplift them, not forcing them to change for your sake.- Practical Example: If they express a desire to change a habit, like getting healthier, you can support their goal by offering encouragement or joining them, but the initiative must come from them.
- Empathy
Love requires seeing the world through the other person’s eyes. Understanding their perspectives, even when they differ from yours, strengthens your connection.- Practical Example: If they approach challenges differently than you would, respect their methods instead of trying to impose your own.
- Autonomy
Each person in a relationship is an individual with their own identity, dreams, and values. Love honors this autonomy instead of seeking to overwrite it.
The Dangers of Trying to Change Someone
- Resentment
Efforts to change someone can lead to feelings of resentment or inadequacy. They may feel judged, unappreciated, or unworthy, which can strain the relationship. - Loss of Authenticity
When someone changes themselves solely to meet another person’s expectations, they risk losing their sense of self. Over time, this can erode their confidence and happiness. - Unrealistic Expectations
The belief that someone will change can set unrealistic expectations, leading to disappointment and conflict when they don’t meet those standards.
When Growth Happens Naturally
Loving someone as they are doesn’t mean they’ll never change—it simply means change must come from within, not as a condition of your love.
- Love Inspires Growth: When someone feels deeply loved and accepted, they’re often more open to self-improvement because they feel supported rather than judged.
- Mutual Influence: Healthy relationships naturally encourage growth through shared experiences, values, and mutual encouragement—not through pressure or demands.
Example: If your partner sees you pursuing personal growth with enthusiasm, they might feel inspired to work on their own goals—not because you asked, but because they want to.
What If There Are Real Issues?
While love involves acceptance, it doesn’t mean tolerating harmful or toxic behavior. Addressing real issues in a relationship—like lack of communication, dishonesty, or disrespect—is different from trying to change someone’s fundamental nature.
- Focus on the Behavior, Not the Person: If something bothers you, express how the behavior affects you instead of criticizing their character.
- Collaborative Solutions: Work together to find a middle ground or compromise that respects both of your needs.
Why Acceptance Strengthens Relationships
- Authenticity
When someone knows they’re loved for who they truly are, they’re more likely to show up authentically in the relationship. - Trust
Acceptance builds trust, as it shows that love isn’t conditional on meeting someone else’s standards. - Lasting Connection
Relationships built on mutual respect and appreciation are more likely to endure than those based on attempts to control or “fix” one another.
Final Thoughts
If you love someone, you won’t try to change them. True love is about accepting and appreciating a person as they are, while supporting them in their journey to grow—if and when they choose to.
Love thrives in an environment of trust, acceptance, and mutual respect. By letting go of the need to control or change others, you create a space where both partners can be their authentic selves, fostering a deeper, more meaningful connection.
So, love them for who they are, not for who you think they could be. In doing so, you’ll build a relationship rooted in genuine acceptance, mutual growth, and enduring affection.
4o
