Some people offer big kindness in words, then deliver little in action. They promise help, praise your worth, and raise expectations, yet leave you holding the bag. Here is a practical way to stay respectful, protect your time, and improve outcomes.
Spot the pattern quickly
Common signs:
- Grand offers that arrive easily, concrete help that arrives slowly.
- Vague commitments like “I’ve got you” with no who, what, when, how.
- Repeated last minute cancellations or silent drop offs.
- Excuses paired with more promises next time.
Name it in your mind: generous talk, inconsistent delivery.
Shift from vibes to specifics
Over generosity thrives on vagueness. Replace vibe promises with clear requests.
- “What exactly can you take on?”
- “By what date and time will it be done?”
- “What result should I expect, and in what format?”
If they cannot answer, the commitment is not real.
Use the 4 part request
- Task: one sentence.
- Standard: definition of done.
- Deadline: exact date and time.
- Checkpoint: short mid point touch base.
Example: “Please send the draft one pager as a PDF, proofread, by Tuesday 3 pm. Quick check in Monday noon.”
Put help inside containers
Create limits that fit real capacity.
- Time container: “30 minutes of edits.”
- Quantity container: “Two intros, not more.”
- Frequency container: “Monthly, first Friday.”
- Channel container: “Email only so nothing is missed.”
Containers turn goodwill into bounded action.
Convert offers into commitments
When they volunteer help, capture it on the spot.
- “Thank you. I will write this down as: you will call the vendor and confirm the quote by Thursday 4 pm. I will check in at 2 pm. Sound right?”
Send a short written recap. Paper beats memory.
Track the truth, not the talk
Keep a simple log:
- Promise made
- Due date
- Delivered or not
- Notes
Share patterns without blame: “In the last five asks, two arrived on time, three slipped, one dropped. Let’s adjust scope so we can hit 5 of 5.”
Use kind, firm scripts
For over promises:
- “I appreciate the intent. Let’s scale this to what you can guarantee by Friday.”
For slippage: - “That missed the deadline. What change to scope or timing will make the next one certain?”
For repeated slippage: - “Given the pattern, let’s assign this elsewhere and keep you on smaller, guaranteed pieces.”
Offer realistic menus instead of open asks
Give options they can choose from that match their capacity.
- Option A: “Proofread 500 words by tomorrow at noon.”
- Option B: “Introduce me to one contact this week.”
- Option C: “Sit this one out.”
Menus reduce performative offers and encourage honest picks.
Build checkpoints, not chase sequences
One mid point check is better than three rescue messages at the end.
- “Quick status at 2 pm. If we are off track, I will reassign immediately.”
This saves the relationship and the deliverable.
Calibrate consequences
Kindness without reliability costs time and trust. Set proportionate consequences tied to behavior.
- First miss: reduce scope next time.
- Second miss: move them to supporting tasks only.
- Third miss: remove them from critical paths.
Say it plainly and follow through.
Protect your planning
Use buffers and backups:
- Add a 20 percent time buffer on anything they own.
- Assign a shadow backup who can step in if a checkpoint fails.
- Avoid placing them on critical path milestones.
Plan for reality, not for promises.
Reinforce what works
When they deliver on time and to standard, acknowledge specifics.
- “You sent the brief by 11 am, proofread and on spec. That helped us publish today. Thank you.”
Positive reinforcement should cite behavior and impact.
When to step back
Step back if you see:
- Chronic over promising despite scaled scope.
- Blame shifting or guilt trips when held to timelines.
- Important tasks at risk due to their role.
Closure line: “I value our connection. For reliability, I am moving these tasks to others. We can revisit lighter contributions later.”
A quick checklist
- Define the task, standard, deadline, checkpoint.
- Container the help: time, quantity, frequency, channel.
- Convert talk to a written commitment.
- Log promises and outcomes.
- Use one mid point check. Reassign if off track.
- Reward reliable delivery. Shrink or remove roles after repeated misses.
Final thought
Kindness is meaningful when it becomes consistent action. Your job is not to punish big hearts, it is to design for honest capacity. Clear requests, small containers, visible tracking, and fair consequences will turn inflated promises into steady contribution or clean separation.
