People sometimes praise behaviors you have not shown yet in order to pull you toward them. It can feel odd, even unearned, but there is a real psychological engine behind this move. When it is done with care, it helps you step into a better version of yourself. When it is clumsy or manipulative, it backfires.

Why this can work

1. Identity priming
   A compliment like “You are the kind of person who follows through” assigns you a role. Humans try to act in line with identities as a way to stay coherent, so the praise plants a seed that guides future choices.
2. Pygmalion effect
   Expectations shape performance. When someone treats you as reliable or disciplined, you often rise to that expectation, especially if it comes from a person you respect.
3. Loss aversion in reputation
   Once praised, you now have something social to keep. People work to avoid losing credibility, so you are more likely to act to make the compliment true.
4. Reducing first step friction
   Starting carries the highest friction. A confident compliment can lower doubt, which is often the real blocker.
5. Attention shaping
   Praise highlights a specific standard. Your brain begins to notice chances to act in line with it.

When it is ethical and effective

• Sincere, plausible, specific
  The compliment should be close enough to the truth that you can imagine it being real. “You are careful with details, I saw it in your last draft” is better than a vague “You never miss details.”
• Future oriented
  Tie the compliment to a near action. “You handle tough emails well, I bet you can get that reply out before lunch.”
• Autonomy preserving
  It should feel like an invitation, not a leash. Include room for you to choose.
• Backed by support
  Offer help or a resource. Praise plus a tool beats praise alone.

When it backfires

• Clearly false or exaggerated
  If it feels like flattery, trust falls. You push back or ignore it.
• Used to control
  Compliments that corner you into unpaid work or sacrifice feel coercive.
• Mismatch with values
  If the praised trait is not one you want, there is no pull.
• Delivered at the wrong time
  In the middle of stress, praise can feel like pressure.

How someone might do it well

• Label, cite, invite
  “You think clearly under pressure, your notes yesterday were tight. If you outline the first three bullets now, the rest will flow.”
• Praise the process, not only the outcome
  “You break work into clean steps. Start with a five minute pass and send me the rough version.”
• Link to a shared goal
  “Your early drafts speed up the team. A quick outline today keeps the momentum for tomorrow.”
• Anchor to a small next action
  “You are good at getting the first brick down. Open the doc and write three lines.”

Scripts for different contexts

• Work
  “You are reliable with follow ups, people trust your word. If you send a two line update before 3, we will stay ahead of this.”
• Fitness
  “You are consistent once you lay out your shoes the night before. Set them by the door now and do a ten minute warm up.”
• Learning
  “You ask sharp questions that move class forward. Jot one question from chapter two before dinner.”
• Home
  “You make rooms calmer when you reset them. Put the dishes in the washer now, it sets the tone for the night.”

If you receive a compliment you have not yet earned

1. Treat it as a cue, not a verdict
   You are not being judged, you are being offered a path.
2. Shrink to the first proof
   Find a two to five minute action that matches the praise.
3. Say the identity aloud
   “I am someone who keeps promises.” Then do one action that proves it.
4. Close the loop
   Send a quick update or note. Public proof reinforces the identity.

A respectful template for givers

• Observe one real thing
  “Yesterday you organized your notes clearly.”
• Name the trait
  “You are systematic when you start.”
• Propose a tiny step
  “Draft the three bullets now, then stop.”
• Offer support
  “If you share the draft, I will respond within an hour.”

Guardrails to keep it healthy

• Keep compliments grounded in something you have seen.
• Make the ask small and time bound so it feels doable.
• Emphasize choice so there is no pressure.
• Follow up with feedback or thanks to close the loop.

Bottom line

Complimenting someone for a trait they are only beginning to show can be a gentle way to help them start. The praise frames an identity, reduces the fear of first steps, and creates a small social commitment to act. Done with honesty and respect, it can turn possibility into motion.