One of the subtlest forms of manipulation is presenting a self-serving action as if it’s for the benefit of someone else. This tactic is often framed with good intentions, but it disguises real motives under the appearance of care or generosity. It sounds like, “I’m doing this for your own good,” when really, it’s about control, comfort, guilt avoidance, or ego.
This isn’t just something people do maliciously. It’s a common human defense against discomfort, especially when someone doesn’t want to admit they’re acting out of fear, need, or self-interest. But even if it’s unconscious, the effect is still misleading and often harmful.
What It Looks Like
This behavior can take many forms:
- A parent insists their child pursue a certain career path “so they’ll be secure” but is really trying to soothe their own fear or live through them.
- A partner claims they want you to change something “for your own growth” when really it’s to make the relationship easier for them.
- A friend gives you advice “just because they care” when it’s rooted in their discomfort with your independence or choices.
- A boss implements new rules “for the team’s benefit” when they’re actually trying to assert control or avoid personal liability.
At its core, this is a framing problem. The truth is being dressed up as generosity when it’s really about self-protection or self-interest.
Why People Do It
- To Maintain a Positive Image
People want to be seen as kind, generous, or wise. Framing a decision as “for you” helps maintain that identity, even when the action contradicts it. - To Avoid Accountability
If you admit you’re doing something for yourself, others have the right to push back. But if it’s “for them,” it becomes harder to question without looking ungrateful or defensive. - To Stay in Control
Controlling behavior often hides behind concern. It sounds nicer to say, “I’m just trying to help,” than to admit, “I want things to go my way.” - To Ease Internal Conflict
People don’t like to think of themselves as selfish. So they rewrite the story. They convince themselves that what benefits them also benefits others. Sometimes they even believe it.
Why It’s a Problem
This kind of framing erodes trust. It distorts communication. It confuses people. When someone realizes that your help is conditional, your advice is self-serving, or your support is manipulative, they start to doubt your sincerity. Even if your intent wasn’t to deceive, the effect still alienates.
It also takes away someone’s agency. If you frame your action as being “for them,” it puts them in a corner. If they reject it, they seem ungrateful. If they accept it, they may feel manipulated. Either way, they weren’t given the honest choice they deserved.
How to Avoid This
- Own Your Motives
Before offering something, ask yourself honestly: Who is this really for? If it’s mutual, say that. If it’s mostly for you, admit it. People respect clarity more than performance. - Be Direct
Instead of saying, “This is for you,” say, “This is what I would like, and here’s why.” Let the other person choose how they respond. - Respect Autonomy
Even if you believe your suggestion is best, it’s not your life to live. Offer input without disguising control as compassion. - Check Your Patterns
If you find yourself frequently giving advice, making decisions, or stepping in “for others,” take a step back. Are you solving something for them—or managing your own discomfort?
Final Thought
Framing something as “for you” when it’s really for me may protect my ego, but it undermines our relationship. It builds false narratives. It misplaces responsibility. It tries to wrap self-interest in kindness and ends up doing neither justice.
True care is honest. It gives without cornering. It helps without pretending. And it starts by being clear about who it’s really for.
