The message is simple. Do not accept a role as someone’s backup, and do not offer that role to anyone else. Seek a relationship where interest is clear, priority is mutual, and commitment grows with time. Anything less wastes two people’s lives.

Why this standard matters

• Self respect: Being chosen fully protects dignity and reduces second guessing.
• Trust: Clear commitment lowers anxiety and drama.
• Time: You free months or years that would have been spent waiting for mixed signals to resolve.
• Quality love: Mutual enthusiasm creates the conditions for generous, playful partnership.

Signs you are being treated as a backup

• Interest arrives only when other plans fall through.
• Messages are hot for a day, then silent for a week.
• You are kept away from friends and family.
• Plans are vague, always last minute, or frequently canceled.
• Future talk is grand but never backed by action.

Signs you might be treating someone else as a backup

• You keep them around while searching for something “better.”
• You hide the connection from your circle.
• You accept care and attention but do not reciprocate effort.
• You leave doors open with several people at once to avoid choosing.

What healthy commitment looks like

• Reciprocity: calls, effort, and care move both directions.
• Consistency: attention and plans appear on a reliable schedule.
• Transparency: intentions, boundaries, and expectations are spoken.
• Priority: each person is on the calendar and woven into daily life.
• Repair: conflict is handled with honesty and follow through.

Clingy vs secure attention

• Clingy: constant pressure, jealousy, and surveillance.
• Secure attention: availability, interests shared openly, and check-ins that respect space.
  Ask for secure, enthusiastic connection, not control.

How to state your standard

Use clear language that fits any gender.

• “I am looking for a partner who is excited to choose me and to be chosen by me. If that is not your goal, let us part kindly.”
• “I need consistency and priority. If we cannot offer that to each other, we should stop dating.”
• “I do not want to be a safety net. I want a relationship that is loyal and all in.”

A readiness check for yourself

• Am I prepared to give the same devotion I want to receive.
• Can I communicate boundaries without anger.
• Do my actions match my words about loyalty and effort.
• Am I willing to leave situations that do not meet this bar.

Practical steps

• Decide your nonnegotiables and write them down.
• Date at a pace that allows clarity, not confusion.
• End half-hearted connections quickly and respectfully.
• Choose one person when you are ready and close other loops.
• Show up with reliability, affection, and public inclusion.

Bottom line

Do not settle and do not ask others to settle. Real partnership is two people who are certain enough to choose each other, loyal enough to protect that choice, and devoted enough to keep proving it with daily actions.