The shortest answer is simple. Start with your own. Then consider the people who invest in you with real stakes, like customers, clients, and backers. Even then, you sometimes set their approval aside to protect your standards, your ethics, and your long term direction.
Why self approval comes first
If your confidence is rented from other people, they can take it back at any time. Self approval is not ego or stubbornness. It is the clear alignment between your values, your craft, and the results you are willing to stand behind. Without that center you accept every passing opinion, and your work becomes a collage of other people’s preferences.
Self approval rests on three pieces.
- Standards: clear definitions of quality for your work and behavior.
- Evidence: honest tracking of effort, skill growth, and outcomes.
- Integrity: keeping promises to yourself when no one is watching.
With these in place you can hear feedback without being steered by it.
When money should influence you
People who pay you carry real consequences. Their satisfaction often decides whether your work continues. That does not make them the ultimate authority, but it means their voice deserves weight. Treat their approval as a constraint to design within.
Use this filter before you change course.
- Alignment: does their request match the mission you have chosen.
- Competence: do they understand the problem and the tradeoffs.
- Incentives: are they optimizing for the same outcomes you are.
- Specifics: are they offering clear, testable requests rather than vague tastes.
- Reversibility: can you try the change without locking yourself into a worse path.
If the answer to these questions is mostly yes, you adapt. If not, you negotiate or decline.
Sometimes not even them
There are moments when the right move is to refuse approval from paying stakeholders.
• Ethics: you are asked to mislead, cut corners, or harm others.
• Brand risk: short term gains would damage long term trust.
• Expertise gap: they want a fix that contradicts sound practice and proven data.
• Scope creep: approval now would create obligations you cannot deliver well.
• Mission drift: the request pulls you away from the reason you started.
Saying no is easier when you have a runway, multiple clients, or diversified income. Build those buffers on purpose so you can protect your standards without panic.
A practical approval ladder
When you feel pulled in different directions, climb this ladder in order.
- Conscience: does this match your values and commitments.
- Evidence: does data support the choice.
- Craft: does it raise the quality of the work.
- Customer: does it solve the real problem for the person paying.
- Community: does it maintain the reputation you want with peers.
- Convenience: does it make life easier without lowering the bar.
Only move up the ladder once the lower rungs are solid.
How to hold your center without being rigid
• Write a one page standard for your work. Keep it visible.
• Define success metrics you can measure weekly.
• Invite criticism with boundaries. Ask for specifics and examples.
• Offer options. Present two or three viable paths with tradeoffs.
• Make reversible experiments. Ship small changes and review results.
• Keep an exit plan. Know the conditions under which you will walk away.
This approach respects feedback while preserving agency. You are not ignoring other people. You are integrating their input in a system that keeps you accountable to your best work.
The quiet test
At the end of a decision, ask two questions.
- If this fails, am I still proud of how I chose.
- If this succeeds, did I get there in a way I would repeat.
If you can answer yes, you likely sought approval from the right sources in the right order.
Bottom line
Seek first the approval that cannot be taken from you. Weigh the approval of those who invest in you with clarity and courage. And when their requests cross your standards, protect the work by saying no. The goal is not to please everyone. The goal is to build something worthy of your own signature.
