There’s a kind of wall that’s not made of stone or silence, but of constant deflection. When someone always has a reason why they can’t change, can’t try, or can’t take responsibility, conversation becomes circular. It doesn’t matter how solid your advice is, how much evidence you show, or how much you care — if they’re committed to their excuses, your words won’t land. So how do you reach them?
First, understand what an excuse really is. It’s often a defense mechanism. Excuses protect people from the discomfort of failure, shame, or the fear of not being good enough. They act as a shield. But behind that shield is someone who, on some level, already knows the truth. Most people who make excuses aren’t unaware — they’re avoiding.
That means the more directly you challenge the excuse, the tighter they may cling to it. So don’t argue with the excuse. Instead, question the cost. Gently shift the focus away from the “why not” and toward the “what now.” What is this excuse protecting them from? What has it already cost them? What could change if they let it go?
You must also be clear on what you are willing to do. You can support, encourage, and model accountability — but you cannot carry them. At a certain point, the burden of their growth is not yours to bear. Trying to “save” someone who refuses to move will only exhaust you. The more you try to fix it for them, the more they’ll rely on excuses to avoid doing the work themselves.
What works better is consistency. Quiet, steady boundaries. Showing up without enabling. Staying honest without getting drawn into their narrative. Sometimes the most effective way to help someone break through their excuses is not through pressure, but through example. Let them see what ownership looks like. Let them feel the difference between support and rescue.
Most importantly, know when to step back. If they are not ready, they won’t hear you. That’s not your failure. It’s their choice. And sometimes the only way they’ll face themselves is when they run out of people willing to accept the excuse. Not out of cruelty, but out of clarity.
Reaching someone who hides behind excuses requires patience, precision, and emotional distance. You cannot push them to a breakthrough. But you can invite it — by refusing to pretend they’re powerless, and by no longer rewarding the story that says they are.
