In life, we often encounter two types of people in our personal and professional relationships: the pretenders and the defenders. Pretenders are those who project a false image of support or loyalty but often reveal their true intentions through actions that contradict their words. Defenders, on the other hand, are genuine allies—people who stand by you, support you, and act in your best interest, even when times get tough. Knowing the difference between pretenders and defenders is essential for building authentic, trusting relationships and surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care about your well-being.

Here’s how to distinguish between a pretender and a defender, and why it’s crucial to identify the difference.

1. Pretenders Wear Masks

Pretenders often wear a mask of support or friendship, but their actions betray their true nature. They may appear to be loyal or trustworthy on the surface, but when push comes to shove, they either disappear or act in ways that are self-serving. Pretenders are often more concerned with appearances than with genuinely supporting others.

A pretender may give compliments, show enthusiasm, or express agreement, but underneath, they may be envious, insincere, or indifferent to your success. They may even undermine you behind the scenes. Pretenders are motivated by personal gain or a desire to maintain a certain image, rather than by a sincere wish to help or protect you.

Example: A colleague who congratulates you on a promotion but then subtly sabotages your efforts or spreads rumors about your performance is a pretender. Their outward support is just a façade.

2. Defenders Stand Firm in Adversity

Defenders, by contrast, are those who have your back no matter the circumstances. They may not always agree with you, but their loyalty and support remain consistent, especially when challenges arise. Defenders don’t just stand by you when things are going well—they defend your character, stand up for you in your absence, and help you navigate difficult situations.

A defender is someone who will offer constructive criticism, lend a helping hand, or support you through difficult times without expecting anything in return. They are not afraid to tell you hard truths, but they do so with your best interest in mind.

Example: A friend who helps you through a personal crisis, even when it’s inconvenient or difficult, is a defender. Their loyalty and willingness to support you, even when it costs them something, is genuine.

3. Pretenders Are Fair-Weather Friends

One of the easiest ways to spot a pretender is to observe how they act when times are tough. Pretenders tend to vanish when things go wrong, or they might blame you for your struggles instead of offering support. Their friendship or loyalty is conditional—they are only around when they can benefit from the relationship, whether it’s through social connections, shared success, or personal advantage.

In contrast, when circumstances are challenging, a defender becomes even more steadfast. Defenders don’t walk away when you’re facing hardship. They stay, support you, and help you work through the difficulties. Their loyalty isn’t tied to personal gain or status but is rooted in genuine care for you as a person.

Example: A pretender might be the coworker who praises you when your project is successful but distances themselves when things go wrong. A defender, on the other hand, will stick around to help you find solutions or offer encouragement during the tough times.

4. Defenders Build Trust, Pretenders Erode It

Defenders build trust through their consistent actions. They show up when they say they will, they honor their commitments, and they speak positively about you, even when you’re not around. Because of their reliability, you know you can count on them, and this creates a strong foundation of trust.

Pretenders, on the other hand, often erode trust. They may say one thing but do another, or they may engage in behaviors that reveal their disloyalty. Over time, you may begin to feel that you can’t rely on them, and their actions may leave you questioning their authenticity.

Example: A defender is the teammate who not only gives credit where it’s due but also speaks highly of your efforts in your absence. A pretender is someone who might take credit for your work or minimize your contributions to appear more successful themselves.

5. Pretenders Are Motivated by Self-Interest

Pretenders are often driven by self-interest rather than a genuine desire to help. They may appear to be on your side as long as it benefits them, but their loyalty is fickle. Once their needs are no longer being met, their support fades away. Pretenders may try to keep you close to advance their own goals, but they are unlikely to go out of their way for you unless there’s something in it for them.

Defenders, on the other hand, are motivated by care, loyalty, and a sense of integrity. They help and defend you without expecting anything in return, and they don’t abandon the relationship when it becomes inconvenient or difficult. Defenders value the relationship for its own sake, not for what they can gain from it.

Example: A pretender might network with you when they think you can help their career but won’t lift a finger to support you when the tables are turned. A defender will support you regardless of what they can gain.

6. Defenders Offer Constructive Criticism, Pretenders Criticize Behind Your Back

Defenders want to see you succeed and grow, which means they won’t hesitate to offer constructive criticism when necessary. However, they deliver their feedback in a way that is supportive and aimed at helping you improve. Pretenders, on the other hand, may criticize you behind your back or offer disingenuous praise to your face, avoiding honest communication because they don’t have your best interests at heart.

A defender will tell you what you need to hear, even if it’s uncomfortable, because they care about your growth. A pretender will say what they think you want to hear or may even undermine you in private.

Example: A defender might pull you aside and tell you how you can improve a project, while a pretender might gossip about your mistakes to others without giving you the chance to fix them.

Conclusion: Choosing the Defenders, Avoiding the Pretenders

In both personal and professional life, identifying who is a pretender and who is a defender is crucial for building healthy, trusting relationships. Pretenders may offer false support, driven by their own interests, while defenders are steadfast in their loyalty, even when times get tough. By recognizing the behaviors of pretenders—such as inconsistency, self-serving actions, and conditional support—you can avoid relationships that will ultimately drain you. Instead, focus on surrounding yourself with defenders—people who stand by you, build trust, and genuinely care for your well-being.

Ultimately, the people who defend you through thick and thin are the ones who deserve a place in your life.