In conversations, it’s natural for people to try and connect with each other by sharing their own experiences. One common way this manifests is by relating to someone else’s story with a similar anecdote from our own lives. While this can sometimes strengthen bonds and foster understanding, it can also unintentionally shift the focus away from the person sharing their experience, making them feel unheard or overshadowed.

This leads to an important realization: sometimes, the best way to support and connect with someone isn’t by trying to relate, but by asking questions and listening actively.

Relating vs. Listening

When someone shares a personal story or experience, they are often seeking validation, empathy, or simply someone to listen to them. In an effort to show empathy, it’s easy to fall into the habit of relating the story to a similar event in your own life. While this might come from a place of good intentions, it can unintentionally shift the spotlight onto you, rather than staying on the person who originally shared their story.

For example, someone might be discussing a difficult work situation, and instead of acknowledging their story and asking follow-up questions, you might jump in with your own work-related experience. This can leave the other person feeling like their story was cut short or minimized.

The Power of Asking Questions

One of the most effective ways to show someone that you care about their experience is to ask thoughtful questions. This allows them to delve deeper into their own feelings and provides a safe space for them to explore and express their thoughts.

Questions like:

• “How did that make you feel?”
• “What happened next?”
• “How are you handling things now?”

These not only demonstrate genuine interest but also keep the focus on the other person, allowing them to share more about their experience without the conversation turning into a comparison of similar situations.

Why Active Listening Matters

Active listening is a skill that requires presence, empathy, and patience. It involves more than just hearing the words spoken; it requires paying attention to the emotions behind those words and the overall context of the story. When you listen actively, you show the other person that you are fully engaged and that their experience is valuable. This deepens the emotional connection and builds trust.

Active listening also helps you avoid the pitfall of unintentionally invalidating someone’s experience by saying things like “I know exactly how you feel,” when in reality, everyone’s experiences are different.

When Relating Can Be Helpful

This is not to say that sharing similar experiences is always harmful. There are times when relating to someone’s story can help build empathy and connection. The key is balance. If you do decide to share your own experience, it should be done thoughtfully and without taking over the conversation. It’s important to first ensure the other person feels heard and validated before introducing your own perspective.

Conclusion: Listening is a Superpower

In any conversation, showing empathy and support doesn’t always require sharing your own stories or trying to relate. Sometimes, the most meaningful way to connect with someone is by listening deeply and asking questions that allow them to share more. This not only makes the other person feel valued, but it also helps you better understand their experience on a deeper level.

Next time you’re in a conversation where someone is sharing something personal, try focusing more on listening and asking questions. You might be surprised at how much stronger your connection becomes when you simply allow them to speak and feel truly heard.

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